I haven't posted much lately because I am having a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words. It has been challenging to sort through the emotions of everything that has happened in the last month. Throw in extra crazy-pregnancy-emotions and you get a bunch of ridiculous blubbering that makes no sense whatsoever.
I actually typed out a whole post the other night and when I went back to read through it, I realized that it actually sounded like I was illiterate. It was just a bunch of words that made no sense together. Aren't you glad I didn't post that one?? :)
Anyway, I am going to try again.
The last month has been scary. I think I've pretty much already covered all the bases there.
The last month has been miraculous. God is so good and so faithful to us.
The last month has been humbling.
I know I have already said it, but I am so overwhelmed with all the help that I have received, especially from the AMAZING women at our church. It is so neat when you just a get a call saying "hey, I'm coming over on Tuesday to take the boys to the park so you can rest" or "hey, what day would you like to borrow a teenage daughter? She can play with the kids and clean your house." Seriously? I feel so so blessed. It has really made me think about the kind of woman I want to be and what I am doing right now in order to become that woman.
I feel like there are so many days that I go through my routine trying to "get by" instead of being purposeful. I hate that.
Most recently, I feel like there are days when I dwell on what I can't do--on my limitations-- instead of what is important. For example, I am not supposed to be lifting heavy things or doing anything strenuous. That means little things you wouldn't think of like laundry baskets, trash bags, little boys who don't want to go where you want them to, etc. Yes, it's frustrating to have a messy house and to not be able to lift my little guys. But does that really matter? What is the most important thing to me?
What is the point of keeping up the false appearance that I always have my act together? (that is what it has become. Sometimes I just want to have a clean house, and a delicious meal on the table, with well behaved children so that people will think I'm doing a good job) But, is that accomplishing my ultimate goal to unconditionally love my kids and show them what it means to know, love, and serve the Lord daily...despite our circumstances? And what is a "good job"? And who determines that? I think it's this: "I want to be faithful in everything, even if no one sees but Him." I answer to Him.
I am far from perfect. Far from the perfect parent. Far from the perfect wife. Far from the pefect homemaker.
So, here is my confesssion of the day:
I raise my voice sometimes. Sometimes I downright yell.
I lose my patience. A lot.
I haven't mopped my floor in weeks.
Sometimes I put in a second movie just to be able to sit quietly with my feet up.
There are days when I put my kids to bed knowing that I didn't teach them anything new.
I suck at being consistent with my God time.
My counters are sticky.
There are days when I realize that bedtime prayer is the only time I have talked to the boys about Jesus all day.
Sometimes I am rude and disrespectful to my husband.
There are days when I voice a lot more complaints than I do positive thoughts.
Sometimes I am totally selfish and want to do my own thing with no one bothering me.
I let laundry pile up for days at a time. And I don't fold my children's clothing. Ever.
I'm not proud of those things, but I needed to tell you. Because who am I helping by pretending to be the perfect mom and wife? I know I'm not really fooling anyone. This striving to seem like I have my act together all the time? It's actually pride...keeping me as a slave to himself. I'm done with that. I would rather be spending my time becoming a woman who serves her family and her friends, lovingly, no matter what the kitchen looks like.
Don't get me wrong, I like a clean house as much as the next mom, but I'd rather have a clean heart.