A couple of months ago my sweet, rowdy, yet contemplative six year old was sitting by the window watching the rain.
He, of course, wanted to play outside. He always wants to play outside. Rain, snow, sweltering heat, no matter. And I usually have no objections, but this was a thunder storm so I had to refuse.
Joe always jokes that, if anything ever happened to us, Judah would keep the other kids alive with his foraging skills. He is rough around the edges sometimes, but he is fiercely loyal. He's outdoorsy and creative and he's a make-it-happen kind of guy, like his daddy.
He sat there frowning, obviously not enjoying my "no" and staring outside.
"Mom, what are we going to do to stop the rain?"
Oh, my sweet Judah.
This is a hard lesson to learn. It's one that many adults still haven't quite mastered.
"Well, baby, we can't stop the rain", I said. "That's not how it works. It's hard when we don't have control over things, isn't it? But we don't decide when it rains or when it stops raining. Only God can do that".
He didn't really seem satisfied with that nugget of wisdom. ;)
But, again, most adults aren't really happy about not being able to control things, either.
I am one of them.
But what I wanted to tell him, what most adults probably really need to hear, what I hope he will understand one day, is that most of the time,
The rain is not about you.
Most of the time, God is doing something bigger, for a greater purpose that we can't see. The rain is for someone or something, no doubt. God doesn't act without purpose.
And, sure, sometimes, it's for you or about you.
But most of the storms...most of the struggle, most of the inconvenience, most of the things that offend us, most of the things that makes us grumpy have very little to do with us.
I wonder how we would respond differently if we could remove ourselves from the equation. What if we walked away from the window and did something productive? What if we thanked God for the rain and enjoyed the beauty in it, even if it's not what we had in mind?
1.10.2016
1.04.2016
He speaks.
As a follow up to my post about fear, I am posting this.
A commitment to write more in 2016.
Sometimes fear prevents me from writing or from clicking "publish" because I want it to be perfect every time.
And so, it might not always be on this blog, but I am going to write more this year. I have had this nudging in my spirit for quite some time.
I have been a lover of words for all of my life. I am moved by so many authors and stories and quotes and I have sensed that God is urging me to use the written word (maybe spoken word?) to serve Him.
It's one of those yeses that I don't really understand. There are so many others who are more qualified and who have amazingly beautiful words.
But here we are.
I have asked Him how I will do this and I don't have a clear itinerary. I have asked Him "why?"
...and His simple answer was "Because I have something to say".
Use my words, Lord. Be near.
1.03.2016
Fear
Fear can always find me.
Ever since my dad died, twenty-two years ago, fear has lived in my closet.
Fear doesn't surprise me most of the time. Most of the time it's like my shadow...walking along beside me. Relentless.
It's there for all my daily tasks, nagging at me.
In the parenting - telling me that I'm failing.
In my marriage - trying to convince me I'm not enough.
In my friendships - reminding me that vulnerability is dangerous.
In my car - showing me dark, detailed scenarios.
In my attempts to minister to people - laughing at my weak faith.
Even in prayer - whispering lies and doubts.
And then sometimes it sneaks up on me. I walk around the corner and it jumps out in front of me with a new threat that I'm not prepared for.
I'm guessing fear might have taken up residence in some of your homes, also?
I confess it often and I got the best encouragement from the Lord through the last priest I spoke with.
He told me to look to Our Lady when the fear begins lurking.
God gave her a seemingly impossible task: Be the Mother of the Messiah.
It was a task that would bring her great joy and also grave sorrow.
Was fear sitting beside her as Gabriel spoke? As she knocked on Elizabeth's door? As she and Joseph made plans to travel to Bethlehem?
Was fear tapping on her shoulder as she rode on the back of the donkey? Waiting for her in the corners of the stable?
Surely it was pulling at her veil when she ran into the temple, wondering if He was lost.
It had to be sitting with her at the foot of the cross.
I have no doubt that fear was always grasping for her attention, reaching for her hand, trying to get her to look into it's ugly eyes.
But she didn't look to fear, she looked to Him.
And she said yes.
Fear was probably beside her, but instead of listening to that liar she listened to the One who is able to do all things, to the One who would give her all she needed, and said "be it done to me". Whatever it is.
Whatever crazy thing you ask, Lord: Yes.
Whatever you want me to do. Wherever you want me to go. Whomever you want me to love. Whatever you ask me to sacrifice.
No matter what trial lies ahead, You will be there and You will be enough.
The answer is just Yes. Be it done.
We don't have time for fear. Our life is but a breath (Ps 144:4) and You are the oxygen. Give us eyes to see that You are everything.
7.10.2015
Gospel Reading for Sunday, July 12 Mark 6:7-13
GospelMK 6:7-13
Jesus summoned the Twelve and began to send them out two by twoand gave them authority over unclean spirits.
He instructed them to take nothing for the journey
but a walking stick—
no food, no sack, no money in their belts.
They were, however, to wear sandals
but not a second tunic.
He said to them,
“Wherever you enter a house, stay there until you leave.
Whatever place does not welcome you or listen to you,
leave there and shake the dust off your feet
in testimony against them.”
So they went off and preached repentance.
The Twelve drove out many demons,
and they anointed with oil many who were sick and cured them.
************************************************************************************
Last week we read about (but I didn't write about...) how Jesus was rejected in his hometown. (Mark 6:1-6)
Home.
The place that should always be welcoming and refreshing-- a haven, if you will. It stings a little to read about people basically calling Jesus an "ordinary" man; dismissing him.
So, now Jesus is calling his closest friends to him and is giving them instructions on how they are to go out and teach. I mean, they have seen him do miraculous things, so they KNOW he is the real deal...but they also know that he is not honored by everyone. They know that they will not be welcomed in every place. If, to some, Jesus is just "the son of the carpenter" then they will absolutely be called "crazy". It's probably more than a little daunting to have this task set before them.
So, Jesus tells them to buddy up and also, side-note, don't take anything along with you. Like, as in, nothing. I'm not going to lie to you, I might have thrown in the towel here.
"Ok, Jesus, you're asking me to go out and preach repentance. Great. I'm all for it. You're asking me to put myself in situations where I am going to be mocked and ridiculed. Not as awesome, but ok, I can get on board. And now...now, I can't bring along a second tunic? I really do want to preach the Gospel, but I just want to look good while I'm doing it."
I think there is always somewhere that we want to draw the line with Jesus.
We will help this person who needs a friend...until they make me uncomfortable or ask too much of me. And then I'm done.
We will give money to those in need...but only a "reasonable" amount.
We will forgive that person we don't like...but not a fourth or fifth time.
We will talk about grace being poured out for us...but not really believe it's being poured out for those people.
We will surrender our hearts to Jesus...except for that dark corner in the back where we keep our gossip, lust, gluttony, bitterness, or whatever guilty pleasure we like to hide back there.
I'm preaching to myself here but I am guessing I'm not alone. We all have that thing that we are holding onto. That thing that, when we are holding onto it and Jesus comes near, we start to slowly back away from Him.
Maybe we are fine giving things up for Jesus. Just not all the things.
But that's what Jesus is asking the apostles to do. That's what he's asking us to do. Can you see Him gently taking their hands, asking them to hand over their things?
No food, no sack, no money. Just trust. In the One who is able to sustain you in all things.
He is asking us to depend on Him for the grace, for the contentment, for the complete surrender.
6.24.2015
Gospel Reading for Sunday, June 28 Mark 5:21-43
I am not a Bible scholar. I have no degree in Theology, nor do I claim to have some sort of profound wisdom when it comes to matters of faith.
I am just a person who loves Jesus. I am a wife and mom and most of the time I have more questions than answers.
I lead a women's Bible study but there are plenty of Tuesday nights where I learn more from the women in attendance than they do from me.
With my Tuesday night gals, I have been studying the upcoming Sunday Gospel readings. (Which is nice because when we go to church, I am almost always taking at least one little boy to the bathroom during the readings and/or sermon).
As another way to study and process each week's Gospel, I am going to attempt to write about my thoughts here. I say attempt because you know how I am with the follow-through. Ahem.
So, read along if you like. And as I said, expect no major revelations here. :)
From USCCB.org:
to the other side,
a large crowd gathered around him, and he stayed close to the sea.
One of the synagogue officials, named Jairus, came forward.
Seeing him he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him, saying,
“My daughter is at the point of death.
Please, come lay your hands on her
that she may get well and live.”
He went off with him,
and a large crowd followed him and pressed upon him.
There was a woman afflicted with hemorrhages for twelve years.
She had suffered greatly at the hands of many doctors
and had spent all that she had.
Yet she was not helped but only grew worse.
She had heard about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd
and touched his cloak.
She said, “If I but touch his clothes, I shall be cured.”
Immediately her flow of blood dried up.
She felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction.
Jesus, aware at once that power had gone out from him,
turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who has touched my clothes?”
But his disciples said to Jesus,
“You see how the crowd is pressing upon you,
and yet you ask, ‘Who touched me?’”
And he looked around to see who had done it.
The woman, realizing what had happened to her,
approached in fear and trembling.
She fell down before Jesus and told him the whole truth.
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has saved you.
Go in peace and be cured of your affliction.”
While he was still speaking,
people from the synagogue official’s house arrived and said,
“Your daughter has died; why trouble the teacher any longer?”
Disregarding the message that was reported,
Jesus said to the synagogue official,
“Do not be afraid; just have faith.”
He did not allow anyone to accompany him inside
except Peter, James, and John, the brother of James.
When they arrived at the house of the synagogue official,
he caught sight of a commotion,
people weeping and wailing loudly.
So he went in and said to them,
“Why this commotion and weeping?
The child is not dead but asleep.”
And they ridiculed him.
Then he put them all out.
He took along the child’s father and mother
and those who were with him
and entered the room where the child was.
He took the child by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum,”
which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise!”
The girl, a child of twelve, arose immediately and walked around.
At that they were utterly astounded.
He gave strict orders that no one should know this
and said that she should be given something to eat.
*****************************************************************
Um, wow. As if I need to say anything after that. Here we read of two miracles: Jesus heals Jairus' daughter and he heals a woman afflicted with hemorrhaging.
I asked the ladies at Bible study to think about three questions as we read through:
1. From this passage, what can we learn about the heart of God?
2. From this passage, what can we learn about our relationship with God?
3. What is a practical application for your life this week?
I'll tell you what I felt God teaching me in regards to each of these questions, but by all means, ask Him what He wants to teach you. These are great questions to think about no matter what scripture passage you're meditating on.
1.
God has a compassionate heart. And not just in a way where he says "I'm sorry that your daughter is dying. That's not what I desire for you". But in a way that says "I will come. I will walk with you. I don't want you to go alone. Let me come and touch her. Let me gather your family and speak life to your daughter. Let me prove my faithfulness by making her alive again."
I also learned, though, that Jesus doesn't mind interruption. Remember he is on his way to heal Jairus' daughter. When a woman in the crowd touches him, an unclean woman at that, he not only grants her healing but he stops. God himself stops. He sees her. He encourages her and he grants her peace. He is not too busy for someone who is lowly and struggling and desperate.
As they continue, we see that Jesus has a bigger plan than what we can see and understand in our humanness. Yes, it's beautiful that Jesus is taking his time and helping people along the way, meanwhile Jairus' daughter has died. Died. Jesus could have prevented her death-- either by hurrying the heck up or by curing her from afar. But he didn't. I don't know about you, but if I were Jairus, I might be more than a little ticked here. He comes to Jesus trusting that he will make his daughter well and then she dies. I am guessing that some of the people that were at Jairus' house missed the miracle. Have you ever missed it? I know I have. And I know there are times when I probably missed a miracle and I didn't even realize it. These people come to announce the girl's death, they mourn for her. And I bet some of them walked away before the miracle because Jesus didn't do what they wanted him to do. Can you relate? You pray for something miraculous and it doesn't end up the way you wanted it to. I have prayed these prayers, friends. I have felt this let down when we get to the eleventh hour and Jesus still hasn't shown up. Can we trust him? Even in death? Can we trust him in the disappointment? Can we trust that the miracle might be happening in a different way? In a different time? This story helps me to say "yes". Even when I don't feel like it.
I learned that Jesus is less about big spectacles and more about making disciples. And the way to do that is in smaller groups, in meaningful relationships. Don't get me wrong, there were obviously times when He worked in the big ways! But, here are all these people at Jairus' house, doubting, and Jesus? Jesus puts them all out. What matters to him in this moment, is taking a few people (the girl's parents, and Peter, James, and John) in to witness this miracle. In to be changed by what they saw. Disciples are not usually made in big crowds (of course there are exceptions!) But, often, disciples are made in quiet, difficult moments, one-on-one with the Lord.
2.
I learned that coming to Jesus takes humility. In order for us to have an authentic relationship I need to be able to come to him, even when I am unclean. As one of the ladies at my study pointed out, I sometimes need to be able to push my way through the crowd to get to Jesus. It's not always an easy task. Sometimes there is so much standing in our way we wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes the "crowd" between us and Jesus seems daunting, even impossible. But if we can just get to him. We know He can make everything right. I need to come sinful and sorrowful like the woman. I need to walk with him and wait on his timing like Jairus.
I am called to trust Jesus. When I am embarrassed. When the way to him is crowded and overwhelming. When I don't understand what he is doing. When his ways are not like my ways. When he doesn't answer my prayer the way I hoped he would. He is still good. Jesus, I trust in you.
I need to remember that some interruptions are God-ordained. Most of the time I am busy and running around trying to be "efficient" with my time, and, let's be honest, probably annoyed about something or other. I need to slow and still. I need to listen to that small voice telling me to reach out. I need to seize that teachable moment with my kids instead of rolling my eyes. When we are in true relationship with God, we are listeners. We are doers. Regardless of what is happening around us.
I was reminded that I can trust Jesus to care for my children. It might not look the way I want it to. But Jesus desires life for my children. He does not want me to fear. He wants me to have faith. Faith in his timing and in his power. Faith that He loves them more than I ever could. Faith that He knows the way to give them life.
3. Practical application? Well, obviously I have a long list here. I could have chosen all of these things. I wanted to narrow it down to one so I am praying about/working on embracing interruptions this week.
Jesus, help me to speak and act intentionally in each moment.
I am just a person who loves Jesus. I am a wife and mom and most of the time I have more questions than answers.
I lead a women's Bible study but there are plenty of Tuesday nights where I learn more from the women in attendance than they do from me.
With my Tuesday night gals, I have been studying the upcoming Sunday Gospel readings. (Which is nice because when we go to church, I am almost always taking at least one little boy to the bathroom during the readings and/or sermon).
As another way to study and process each week's Gospel, I am going to attempt to write about my thoughts here. I say attempt because you know how I am with the follow-through. Ahem.
So, read along if you like. And as I said, expect no major revelations here. :)
From USCCB.org:
GospelMK 5:21-43
When Jesus had crossed again in the boatto the other side,
a large crowd gathered around him, and he stayed close to the sea.
One of the synagogue officials, named Jairus, came forward.
Seeing him he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him, saying,
“My daughter is at the point of death.
Please, come lay your hands on her
that she may get well and live.”
He went off with him,
and a large crowd followed him and pressed upon him.
There was a woman afflicted with hemorrhages for twelve years.
She had suffered greatly at the hands of many doctors
and had spent all that she had.
Yet she was not helped but only grew worse.
She had heard about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd
and touched his cloak.
She said, “If I but touch his clothes, I shall be cured.”
Immediately her flow of blood dried up.
She felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction.
Jesus, aware at once that power had gone out from him,
turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who has touched my clothes?”
But his disciples said to Jesus,
“You see how the crowd is pressing upon you,
and yet you ask, ‘Who touched me?’”
And he looked around to see who had done it.
The woman, realizing what had happened to her,
approached in fear and trembling.
She fell down before Jesus and told him the whole truth.
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has saved you.
Go in peace and be cured of your affliction.”
While he was still speaking,
people from the synagogue official’s house arrived and said,
“Your daughter has died; why trouble the teacher any longer?”
Disregarding the message that was reported,
Jesus said to the synagogue official,
“Do not be afraid; just have faith.”
He did not allow anyone to accompany him inside
except Peter, James, and John, the brother of James.
When they arrived at the house of the synagogue official,
he caught sight of a commotion,
people weeping and wailing loudly.
So he went in and said to them,
“Why this commotion and weeping?
The child is not dead but asleep.”
And they ridiculed him.
Then he put them all out.
He took along the child’s father and mother
and those who were with him
and entered the room where the child was.
He took the child by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum,”
which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise!”
The girl, a child of twelve, arose immediately and walked around.
At that they were utterly astounded.
He gave strict orders that no one should know this
and said that she should be given something to eat.
*****************************************************************
Um, wow. As if I need to say anything after that. Here we read of two miracles: Jesus heals Jairus' daughter and he heals a woman afflicted with hemorrhaging.
I asked the ladies at Bible study to think about three questions as we read through:
1. From this passage, what can we learn about the heart of God?
2. From this passage, what can we learn about our relationship with God?
3. What is a practical application for your life this week?
I'll tell you what I felt God teaching me in regards to each of these questions, but by all means, ask Him what He wants to teach you. These are great questions to think about no matter what scripture passage you're meditating on.
1.
God has a compassionate heart. And not just in a way where he says "I'm sorry that your daughter is dying. That's not what I desire for you". But in a way that says "I will come. I will walk with you. I don't want you to go alone. Let me come and touch her. Let me gather your family and speak life to your daughter. Let me prove my faithfulness by making her alive again."
I also learned, though, that Jesus doesn't mind interruption. Remember he is on his way to heal Jairus' daughter. When a woman in the crowd touches him, an unclean woman at that, he not only grants her healing but he stops. God himself stops. He sees her. He encourages her and he grants her peace. He is not too busy for someone who is lowly and struggling and desperate.
As they continue, we see that Jesus has a bigger plan than what we can see and understand in our humanness. Yes, it's beautiful that Jesus is taking his time and helping people along the way, meanwhile Jairus' daughter has died. Died. Jesus could have prevented her death-- either by hurrying the heck up or by curing her from afar. But he didn't. I don't know about you, but if I were Jairus, I might be more than a little ticked here. He comes to Jesus trusting that he will make his daughter well and then she dies. I am guessing that some of the people that were at Jairus' house missed the miracle. Have you ever missed it? I know I have. And I know there are times when I probably missed a miracle and I didn't even realize it. These people come to announce the girl's death, they mourn for her. And I bet some of them walked away before the miracle because Jesus didn't do what they wanted him to do. Can you relate? You pray for something miraculous and it doesn't end up the way you wanted it to. I have prayed these prayers, friends. I have felt this let down when we get to the eleventh hour and Jesus still hasn't shown up. Can we trust him? Even in death? Can we trust him in the disappointment? Can we trust that the miracle might be happening in a different way? In a different time? This story helps me to say "yes". Even when I don't feel like it.
I learned that Jesus is less about big spectacles and more about making disciples. And the way to do that is in smaller groups, in meaningful relationships. Don't get me wrong, there were obviously times when He worked in the big ways! But, here are all these people at Jairus' house, doubting, and Jesus? Jesus puts them all out. What matters to him in this moment, is taking a few people (the girl's parents, and Peter, James, and John) in to witness this miracle. In to be changed by what they saw. Disciples are not usually made in big crowds (of course there are exceptions!) But, often, disciples are made in quiet, difficult moments, one-on-one with the Lord.
2.
I learned that coming to Jesus takes humility. In order for us to have an authentic relationship I need to be able to come to him, even when I am unclean. As one of the ladies at my study pointed out, I sometimes need to be able to push my way through the crowd to get to Jesus. It's not always an easy task. Sometimes there is so much standing in our way we wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes the "crowd" between us and Jesus seems daunting, even impossible. But if we can just get to him. We know He can make everything right. I need to come sinful and sorrowful like the woman. I need to walk with him and wait on his timing like Jairus.
I am called to trust Jesus. When I am embarrassed. When the way to him is crowded and overwhelming. When I don't understand what he is doing. When his ways are not like my ways. When he doesn't answer my prayer the way I hoped he would. He is still good. Jesus, I trust in you.
I need to remember that some interruptions are God-ordained. Most of the time I am busy and running around trying to be "efficient" with my time, and, let's be honest, probably annoyed about something or other. I need to slow and still. I need to listen to that small voice telling me to reach out. I need to seize that teachable moment with my kids instead of rolling my eyes. When we are in true relationship with God, we are listeners. We are doers. Regardless of what is happening around us.
I was reminded that I can trust Jesus to care for my children. It might not look the way I want it to. But Jesus desires life for my children. He does not want me to fear. He wants me to have faith. Faith in his timing and in his power. Faith that He loves them more than I ever could. Faith that He knows the way to give them life.
3. Practical application? Well, obviously I have a long list here. I could have chosen all of these things. I wanted to narrow it down to one so I am praying about/working on embracing interruptions this week.
Jesus, help me to speak and act intentionally in each moment.
5.21.2015
Lord, help me fake it till I make it.
The thing is, it has been an overwhelming couple of months.
And I know that I probably have an overwhelming 18 years or so in front of me. Because there is just always something. Always a new phase, always a child to worry about, a behavior to correct, a heart to shape, a book to read, a scrape that needs a band-aid, a bill that needs to be paid, a decision that needs to be made, dinner to cook, a soccer practice we need to get to...and there is always, always laundry.
This is what the mamas do. They do all of this hard and holy work all day everyday. It's miraculous, really. But it can get pretty overwhelming.
And when I get overwhelmed, I want to hide in my room and come out when life gets easier. But that is not a thing.
SO, I'm making my list. So, that instead of hiding, I can go into my room and take a deep breath, and pray that I become this kind of woman in the midst of the overwhelming. Basically, I'm praying the Lord will help me fake it till I make it.
I will not give up.
I will stay in the pool.
I will depend on God.
I will remember that "my" children belong to the Lord.
I will fight for them not against them.
I will find joy and fulfillment in God alone.
I will enjoy my children.
I will bless my husband.
I will keep my eyes on eternity.
I will speak life.
I will stop to pray.
I will put my phone down.
I will be present.
I will extend grace.
I will not react; I will act purposefully.
I will not hurry.
I will be quick to listen and slow to speak.
I will not have idle hands.
I will remember that holy is hard. And just because it's hard doesn't mean I'm failing.
I will choose joy.
I will let them be little.
I will allow the Holy Spirit to guide me.
I will love, love, love.
********************************************************************
How do you preach to yourself when you're overwhelmed?
And I know that I probably have an overwhelming 18 years or so in front of me. Because there is just always something. Always a new phase, always a child to worry about, a behavior to correct, a heart to shape, a book to read, a scrape that needs a band-aid, a bill that needs to be paid, a decision that needs to be made, dinner to cook, a soccer practice we need to get to...and there is always, always laundry.
This is what the mamas do. They do all of this hard and holy work all day everyday. It's miraculous, really. But it can get pretty overwhelming.
And when I get overwhelmed, I want to hide in my room and come out when life gets easier. But that is not a thing.
SO, I'm making my list. So, that instead of hiding, I can go into my room and take a deep breath, and pray that I become this kind of woman in the midst of the overwhelming. Basically, I'm praying the Lord will help me fake it till I make it.
I will not give up.
I will stay in the pool.
I will depend on God.
I will remember that "my" children belong to the Lord.
I will fight for them not against them.
I will find joy and fulfillment in God alone.
I will enjoy my children.
I will bless my husband.
I will keep my eyes on eternity.
I will speak life.
I will stop to pray.
I will put my phone down.
I will be present.
I will extend grace.
I will not react; I will act purposefully.
I will not hurry.
I will be quick to listen and slow to speak.
I will not have idle hands.
I will remember that holy is hard. And just because it's hard doesn't mean I'm failing.
I will choose joy.
I will let them be little.
I will allow the Holy Spirit to guide me.
I will love, love, love.
********************************************************************
How do you preach to yourself when you're overwhelmed?
5.13.2015
For the Moms
What can we even say about our moms? Who has loved us like they have?
I am so blessed to have a mom who is unwavering in her love for me. I have never doubted it. We are very different people, but I have always known her love for me. I am so grateful. During her last visit, I was watching her play with Silas - this silly card game (if you can even call it that) that Silas made up. She took the time to sit with him and just be silly. She let him direct the "game" and she just went along with it. They sat there for probably a half an hour and he laughed and laughed. It reminded me of my great-grandma Ruth. We could always get her to play something ridiculous with us. It's always the small moments that matter, isn't it? It reminded me I need to slow down. I need to be silly with my kids and not so structured. Thanks, Mom. I love you more than words can say.
Joe's mom asked me to call her "mom" when we got married. I thought it would take some getting used to, but it really didn't. They have always treated me like a daughter (without the "in-law tagged on the end). I am blessed to have another mom who listens, encourages, and loves unconditionally. I will never forget the phone call that brought us to our knees almost three years ago. Cancer. I remember standing in their kitchen when she brought out a brush full of hair and announced "it's starting". I scrubbed that kitchen while she napped like I could somehow scrub the disease away; spilled my tears all over the floor begging God to let her stay. I am so grateful He said yes. So grateful. I love you, Mom. Thanks for raising the best man I know.
My kids are so lucky to have these two beautiful women as their grandmothers.
Which brings me to my gram. We have a pretty special relationship. Not everyone is lucky enough to have close relationships with their grandparents. I was and am so lucky. My grandma always says that when she went to stay with my parents the week I was born, she and I would go for walks out on the farm on those warm August nights. Just the two of us - so Mom and Dad could get some sleep. She says that's when our bond began. Being that my mom raised us by herself after my Dad died, my grandparents helped a lot. We spent nights at their house while my mom traveled for work, they came to tumbling meets and baseball games, took us to practices and made us treats. I have learned so many things from her. My grandma showed me what it means to be a wife who blesses her husband. She always reminds me not to take time with loved ones for granted. I think one of the biggest things I have learned from her is how to be a woman of prayer. My grandma is a very faithful woman. She prays for our family, and for so many others, daily. I have no doubt that those prayers, woven through the years, have made all the difference. God bless matriarchs who pray for their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
I am thankful for these women. I am thankful for my Grandma Bea - who I wish I would have had more time with. We had just kind of figured out our relationship when she was called Home. I love hearing stories about her (a mom of four boys) and imagining what kind of advice she would give me in raising my little boys to be men.
I am thankful for all the other women who have been motherly to me at some point in my life. The ones who have taken the time to invest in relationship with me, who have taught me how to be a better woman and mom to my kids. Teachers, coaches, mentors. Too many to list.
I am thankful for all my friends who are "other mothers" to my kids. These women have helped care for them, have prayed for them, have been examples to them.
I am thankful for my sister-in-law who is an awesome mama to my two nephews. I am so proud of how she advocates for Jack. She has handled a difficult diagnosis with grace and love. She knows the road that lies ahead and she is committed to living in hope for her boys. Amazing.
I am thankful for my kids' godmothers. Chrissy, Mary, Angie, and Suzee, where would we be without you? I am confident that your prayers sustain us on the hard days and inspire the good days. I have no doubt my kids will be closer to the Lord because of you.
On Mother's Day, I am praying for the friends I have that have lost babies or have lost their moms. I am praying for the friends who want to be moms but aren't. I know how special days can seem awful sometimes. I am sorry. I hope you feel how incredibly loved you are today.
And, of course, I am thankful for my four beautiful blessings that call me "Mom". I am not a perfect one. I wish I was better. And I will keep trying. But my prayer to God is always this: "In spite of my failings, let them know Your unfailing love." Roman, Judah, Silas, and Nora, I hope you will always know my love for you even when I fail. And I hope that you will come to know and love the One who will never fail you.
Happy Mother's Day
I am so blessed to have a mom who is unwavering in her love for me. I have never doubted it. We are very different people, but I have always known her love for me. I am so grateful. During her last visit, I was watching her play with Silas - this silly card game (if you can even call it that) that Silas made up. She took the time to sit with him and just be silly. She let him direct the "game" and she just went along with it. They sat there for probably a half an hour and he laughed and laughed. It reminded me of my great-grandma Ruth. We could always get her to play something ridiculous with us. It's always the small moments that matter, isn't it? It reminded me I need to slow down. I need to be silly with my kids and not so structured. Thanks, Mom. I love you more than words can say.
Joe's mom asked me to call her "mom" when we got married. I thought it would take some getting used to, but it really didn't. They have always treated me like a daughter (without the "in-law tagged on the end). I am blessed to have another mom who listens, encourages, and loves unconditionally. I will never forget the phone call that brought us to our knees almost three years ago. Cancer. I remember standing in their kitchen when she brought out a brush full of hair and announced "it's starting". I scrubbed that kitchen while she napped like I could somehow scrub the disease away; spilled my tears all over the floor begging God to let her stay. I am so grateful He said yes. So grateful. I love you, Mom. Thanks for raising the best man I know.
My kids are so lucky to have these two beautiful women as their grandmothers.
Which brings me to my gram. We have a pretty special relationship. Not everyone is lucky enough to have close relationships with their grandparents. I was and am so lucky. My grandma always says that when she went to stay with my parents the week I was born, she and I would go for walks out on the farm on those warm August nights. Just the two of us - so Mom and Dad could get some sleep. She says that's when our bond began. Being that my mom raised us by herself after my Dad died, my grandparents helped a lot. We spent nights at their house while my mom traveled for work, they came to tumbling meets and baseball games, took us to practices and made us treats. I have learned so many things from her. My grandma showed me what it means to be a wife who blesses her husband. She always reminds me not to take time with loved ones for granted. I think one of the biggest things I have learned from her is how to be a woman of prayer. My grandma is a very faithful woman. She prays for our family, and for so many others, daily. I have no doubt that those prayers, woven through the years, have made all the difference. God bless matriarchs who pray for their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
I am thankful for these women. I am thankful for my Grandma Bea - who I wish I would have had more time with. We had just kind of figured out our relationship when she was called Home. I love hearing stories about her (a mom of four boys) and imagining what kind of advice she would give me in raising my little boys to be men.
I am thankful for all the other women who have been motherly to me at some point in my life. The ones who have taken the time to invest in relationship with me, who have taught me how to be a better woman and mom to my kids. Teachers, coaches, mentors. Too many to list.
I am thankful for all my friends who are "other mothers" to my kids. These women have helped care for them, have prayed for them, have been examples to them.
I am thankful for my sister-in-law who is an awesome mama to my two nephews. I am so proud of how she advocates for Jack. She has handled a difficult diagnosis with grace and love. She knows the road that lies ahead and she is committed to living in hope for her boys. Amazing.
I am thankful for my kids' godmothers. Chrissy, Mary, Angie, and Suzee, where would we be without you? I am confident that your prayers sustain us on the hard days and inspire the good days. I have no doubt my kids will be closer to the Lord because of you.
On Mother's Day, I am praying for the friends I have that have lost babies or have lost their moms. I am praying for the friends who want to be moms but aren't. I know how special days can seem awful sometimes. I am sorry. I hope you feel how incredibly loved you are today.
And, of course, I am thankful for my four beautiful blessings that call me "Mom". I am not a perfect one. I wish I was better. And I will keep trying. But my prayer to God is always this: "In spite of my failings, let them know Your unfailing love." Roman, Judah, Silas, and Nora, I hope you will always know my love for you even when I fail. And I hope that you will come to know and love the One who will never fail you.
Happy Mother's Day
4.13.2015
Welp, it's me again.
Nothing like a five month hiatus to prove that I am not on my A game.
:)
So, here's the deal. When the kids do something adorable/hilarious/precious/horrible enough to make me cry but ridiculous enough to make someone else laugh, I make a little note of it in my phone in the handy dandy Notes app.
Which is all well and good until you get a new phone. Don't worry, I didn't lose them, they are just saved to an external hard drive which I currently cannot locate. See what I mean with the A game?
I'll give you what I've got off the top of my head and I'll post the other gems probably about a year from now.
**********************
Nora is now seven months old. What? You thought she was an infant? Yes, yes she was the last time you read this blog. She is crawling, pulling herself up to a stand, says "dada", has two teeth, and can wave. And sometimes I think she can also clap. I'm not sure if it's on purpose, though. She continues to be the sweetest baby. Her fuzzy little baby head just makes me swoon.
Her brothers make her laugh all day long. Mostly by running towards her and yelling at the top of their lungs. This baby is afraid of nothing. She will sleep right through drumming and loud music of any kind.
And I'll tell ya what. Girl can eat. She likes her food and she prefers it NOW. As soon we started feeding her solids, she became the LOUDEST child. If we are eating and she is not in her high chair...well, she's not havin that. She doesn't even cry. She just yells at you. And she likes every food that we have ever given her. Please, God, let her stay not picky.
Speaking of food, wanna know how to tell you're the fourth child? You have been introduced the following foods - in this order: avocado, pineapple, raspberries, FRENCH FRIES, blueberries, mashed potatoes, mango, broccoli, banana, applesauce, etc.
Do you see anything wrong with this picture? If so, you obviously don't have four children.
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Silas David is ridiculous as all get out. He is the cutest, happiest boy until he is the most deviant. He currently specializes in flooding the bathroom, covering his body in band-aids, and writing on walls (I have several large smiley face murals in my basement - I'm just going to leave them there until we repaint).
But I wish I could describe the cute. He is so cuddly and so excited about everything in life. Especially helping in the kitchen.
He says really funny things right now. For example, he gets the words "mango" and "flamingo" confused. I.e. "Feed Nora some flamango".
He always has a skip in his step and he is kind of on the short side for his age so everything he does is just CUTE.
The other night he asked me to lay with him at bedtime and so I did. As we were chatting casually he said "Mom, I sat on Jesus' lap!"
"You did?" I asked.
"Yeah".
silence for a while
"Well, did you talk to God?"
"Yeah, Jesus asked me about my favorite animal", he said, "And Heaven is like music".
***********************************
Judah, my Judah-boy. He has a loose tooth in the front that is coming out any day now. I can't believe he will be six in a couple of months. Judah has gotten quite a bit more talkative over the last few months. And I just love hearing about what's going on in that little brain of his.
My favorite times with Judah are, surprisingly, when he comes out of his room in the evening after the other boys have fallen asleep. He usually just wants some extra cuddle time and, being an introvert, he needs more one-on-one time than the other boys do. So, unless we have to be somewhere early the next day, I usually indulge and get some sleepy time conversation in. He is our animal lover and always tells us he would like to own ten dogs and ten cats. The other night he told us he wanted to get a dog and name it "Scoober". He went on and on about the sizes and colors all of his animals would be - he also told us he wanted to name one of his cats "Tinny".
He is starting to tell me more about his dreams - most recently that he could jump on top of the house without using a ladder.
He is a very loyal child. He will fight all day with Silas but if he feels that I am "wrongly" angry with Silas he will tell me "Be nice to my brother!"
He is always the first to say he wants to protect me from something.
Judah has always been a child who likes physical affection but he plays hard to get. He will go in for a side hug if it's someone he really likes. He will hardly ever be the first to initiate it, and he very rarely gives a full-on hug. Same with affectionate words. I say "I love you, Judah" and he says "yes" or "I know". (If you have seen the recent Peabody and Sherman movie, think about how Mr. Peabody responds to Sherman's "I love you"....he says "I have a deep regard for you as well, Sherman".) I sometimes tease him and say "Do you love me, too, Judah? Girls like to hear it when they are loved!" And finally he will laugh and say "Yes, I love you". But, he has started saying it more often un-prompted, which is a sweet sound to a mama's ears. :)
In other news, he is getting so good at writing letters and numbers. I am proud of that boy.
****************
Roman James is growing up. I mean, this kid receives his First Communion in just two weeks. I feel like we were just baptizing him. He is excited and ready. He loves Jesus and he got a suit. And let me tell you, both of those things are a big deal to him. He's going to be one spiffy looking dude.
Roman is still the friendliest guy you'll ever meet. He remembers everyone's name and every detail of most days of his life. We will talk about a random event sometimes and he'll remember things about the day that everyone else has long forgotten. For example, the other day we were talking about when Joe had to get stitches in his thumb a couple years ago. Roman said "yeah, and then we went to the Kems for pizza"....uh, sure.
He is a great reader, he's very good at spelling, and he is super creative. He is always making something out of recycled materials (or shall we say "materials I tried to put in the recycling bin" :)) He really likes to make swords and shields out of cardboard. He used a round cooler and a bungee cord to make a bass drum he could wear today.
Speaking of drums - he is quite the little drummer boy. He has some good rhythm and there is nothing he loves more than listening to music or talking about music.
He seems to be trying to decide if he is going to be in a band or be an actor when he grows up.
Roman is super helpful around the house and is cheerful and encouraging most of the time. He is a joy to have around!
*******************
To wrap up, I just have to share some awesome videos. Joe's sister, Angie, introduced us to the funniest app. We have had so many good laughs with this. Check out Dubsmash in the app store if you need some entertainment!
11.02.2014
Alright, boys, it's your turn!
Nora has been the talk of the town lately, but I wanted to make sure I got some of these cute little stories about the boys on the blog before I forget them. Because I will. Today when I was writing thank-you notes for baby gifts I started realizing that I I'm pretty sure I sent two thank yous to a couple of people. So, if you get two or zero thank-you notes from me, I apologize.
Anyway.
First, a few of the adorable things we have overheard them saying about their little sister.
Roman:
"Having a baby is such a miracle."
Judah:
"Who's my sweetest girly?"
Silas:
"Nora's my buddy."
"I love my baby."
He is also a very good little helper when it comes to Nora. One day when she was fussing, he went running into the other room and yelled "I'm gonna get Nora's binky! I'm gonna protect my sister!"
If Nora is crying, Silas will come to me and say "Will you please feed Nora?"
And now for the funnies:
Roman:
Anyway.
First, a few of the adorable things we have overheard them saying about their little sister.
Roman:
"Having a baby is such a miracle."
Judah:
"Who's my sweetest girly?"
Silas:
"Nora's my buddy."
"I love my baby."
He is also a very good little helper when it comes to Nora. One day when she was fussing, he went running into the other room and yelled "I'm gonna get Nora's binky! I'm gonna protect my sister!"
If Nora is crying, Silas will come to me and say "Will you please feed Nora?"
And now for the funnies:
Roman:
- A couple of weeks after Nora was born, Roman told me "Mom, I think Nora's twin is still in your tummy." ... Why, thank you, son.
- Roman just recently learned to tie his shoes. I know, we're a little late on the shoe tying and it's totally my fault. But, one day when he was practicing he was getting quite frustrated and finally exploded: "I'm never going to be able to tie my shoes until I'm 40!" You guys, I laughed until I cried. I promised him that it would not take him that long to learn. The beautiful irony is that he finally got it...later that same day.
- he is really into running. I have actually been making him run laps around the house between school subjects and we both enjoy that. :) We have been on a run/walk together a couple of times since Nora's birth - I'm hoping that will be good motivation for me to get back into a workout routine.
- he loves playing war. What was I thinking? I forgot that it is a never-ending game.
- he has been full of funnies lately! Many of which are rather graphic, so I'll just tell you that we have had many conversations about boys and girls and anatomy.
- When Tony came to visit for the first time after Nora's birth, he got here really late at night. The boys ran down to wake him up in the morning and starting telling him "you have to come see Nora!" Tony asked them "Who is Nora?" He was expecting them to respond "She's my sister." Or "She was just born". He said all Judah could come up with was "He's a girl."
- Somewhere along the line, I made the mistake of telling the boys that "If you do that (I don't remember what THAT was...there are so many options), you could die". So, now every time I ask Judah not to do something dangerous he asks "Will that make me died?"
- I also sometimes tell them that certain things are not just my rules, but God's rules. So, he has gotten into the habit of questioning me. About everything. For example, I will say "Judah, go brush your teeth." He will respond "Did God say to do that?"
- Since Nora's birth, Judah has kind of been acting like a teenager. We hear a lot of responses like this: "I never get to do that!" or "I need some space!" or "you're making me angry!"
- The funniest/not funniest angry outburst came one day when we were leaving the park. He didn't want to leave. I told him to do the monkey bars one more time and then we would leave. He said no. Then we got to the car and he said "I want to do the monkey bars one more time". When I told him that ship had sailed he got even more upset with me. We stood by the van going back and forth for a while. I'll tell ya. That kid has some endurance. He is relentless. I'm sure this will come in handy for many things in his life. For now, it's forcing me to grow in virtue (or fail at growing in virtue, depending on the day). Anyway, I eventually came to the point where I said "Judah, if you don't get in the car, I will have to take your Larry Boy costume away". He yelled back at me "BUT THEN I WOULD BE NAKED!" Oh my. I obviously didn't mean I was going to take it off of his body at that exact moment, but it made for a good laugh in the midst of the frustration.
- One day the boys were playing hide-and-seek while I was nursing Nora. Judah was having a hard time finding Roman. He finally came up to me and said "Do you think Roman is dead?'
- For our family prayer time, each person gets a chance to pray spontaneously and then we all say the Lord's Prayer together at the end. These are always really sweet. I'm always impressed with the people and things they pray for. At the end of the Lord's prayer one night, Judah started asking about what some of the words mean. "What does evil mean?" "What does temptation mean?' And then he asked "What does bread mean?" He meant it in reference to "Give us this day our daily bread". So, I started explaining that this is when we ask God for the things that we need. I told them that God is our father and he wants to provide for us. He wants to give us good things. And so we ask him for the things we need. We ask him to give us enough. Judah thought about that for a while and then he said "But sometimes we eat macaroni and donuts."
- is so proud of Nora. Everywhere we go - grocery store, park, target - he will announce (to every stranger we see "We have a baby sister! Her name is Nora" and then he will ask "Do you wanna hold her?" Uh, no thank you, Silas. Awkward.
- One day I overheard Silas telling Nora "Nora, Father Jeff is going to come baptize you. And it's not gonna hurt. It's gonna feel good."
- he is currently very concerned about raccoons. We can be in the middle of the city, but if it's dark out he will be in a panic to get to the car. "We gotta hurry so we don't get 'tacked by raccoons!"
- Things that the word "trigger" is the word "sugar". He will bring me a Nerf gun and say "Can you pull the sugar for me?"
10.09.2014
Nora's NICU stay
When I wrote out Nora's birth story, I mentioned that we had a longer hospital stay than we had anticipated. This is the "after birth" story, if you will.
I will start by saying that when Nora was born she took a while to make any sound. An uncomfortable while. My boys mostly came out screaming so I was anxious to hear something from her. No one was freaking out but everyone in the room felt a little bit of urgency. The doctor placed her on my chest and started rubbing her. The nurses and Joe and I were all talking to her saying things like "Let me hear you, Nora." "Give us a cry, little girl". They suctioned her out and after that little while, she did cry and everything kind of proceeded normally. We had about an hour of mama/baby bonding, she had a bath, I had a shower, and we moved to a postpartum recovery room, as is the procedure at our hospital.
All my babies have sounded kind of "snorty" after birth. I don't know if it's the shape of their noses or what but they all tend to sound like little piglets for a while. Nora was sounding that way and no one seemed concerned. I certainly wasn't.
But after we got to our recovery room at about 3 AM, they took her temp and found it to be a little lower than they wanted. So, the NICU staff came down, put her on a warmer and got her temp back up. They bundled her up, brought her back to me, and we all went to sleep.
We woke up the next morning and had our breakfast, nursed, got checked out by nurses, etc. The usual. Except that around 8:30 that morning I started noticing a little bit of wheezing with each breath. When my nurse came back in, she noticed it also. We unwrapped her swaddle to take her temperature again, when we noticed that her chest was retracting pretty hard with each breath. That was when I started to feel worried. My nurse called the NICU nurses to take a look and they decided to take her up to the NICU for a more thorough exam.
At this point, no one was too worked up. There wasn't any talk of admitting her to the NICU, they were just going to do an exam. So, they told me to take a shower, finish eating breakfast and then head up. So I did. But I sent Joe with Nora up to the NICU.
I was taking my time, but when I walked into her room in the NICU, she was under an oxyhood and everyone was a little more somber.
They explained that the oxyhood was actually not providing her with oxygen, it was just humidified air. But there she was...laying on the warming table with her little chest retracting so hard. She was just working so hard at breathing. I cried at the sight of her like this because it was not at all what I expected when I walked into the room. The nurses said that they weren't sure what was going on; that they were just going to observe her for a while and they would see what the doctor said during rounds. The on-call doctor came to make rounds about an hour later. She said the same - that mostly what we needed to do for the moment was observe. But she also said Nora may have just had some nasal swelling from the suctioning right after birth and maybe it would be something that would kind of turn itself around. So, that was the verdict. Wait and observe. Leave her under the oxyhood, taking her out only when it was time to nurse.
This was hard for us. We wanted to hold her. Joe stayed like this for the rest of the day. I was so thankful that he was committed to touching her and talking to her. He played her our "Nora" playlist (that we had listened to during labor and delivery). It takes a lot for Joe to get emotional, but this was a lot for him.
Around lunchtime the nurses suggested that I go back downstairs to eat and rest. (There is no food allowed in the NICU). They assured me that they would call my room when she was ready to nurse again. I cried again when I left her.
As we were eating lunch the NICU called to say that Nora's blood sugar had dropped and so they had started an IV. We hurried back upstairs because, although I wanted them to do whatever she needed, it seemed strange that all of that happened so quickly and we weren't there.
I kept telling myself that there were lots of other babies in the NICU that were in much more serious situations. But this was still new territory for us. This was still unexpected. And no one wants anything to happen to their baby.
The rest of that day was spent "observing". While I was taking a nap that afternoon, they decided to put a tube down her nose and make sure there was no extra air in her stomach that might be hindering her lungs from expanding all the way. Joe hated this. Hated it. He couldn't handle watching them place the tube and he was very unsettled about it the whole day.
At some point in the afternoon they switched nurses (not at the normal shift change at 7pm). The new nurse (Karen) started explaining all the things I needed to know about staying in the NICU. That was when I knew for sure that they were admitting us. She told me about all the machines that Nora was hooked up to. We learned about what numbers the doctors wanted to see when monitoring heart rate, respiratory rate, and oxygen saturation. She told us all kinds of things about long-term NICU stay. It was overwhelming.
Joe went home to eat dinner and with the boys and help my mom put them to bed. I ate dinner down in my room and came back with my Bible. Karen was getting ready to leave at the 7pm shift change. But when I walked in she said "reading your Bible?"
"yes", I responded.
"It's a good thing to read", she said.
After she briefed the new nurse she same back in and whispered "Would you like to pray with me?"
"yes", I said, through a sob.
She smiled. "Just let me close the door."
So we laid hands on Nora and whispered prayers for healing over her tiny little body, still struggling to breathe.
This is the most amazing thing, you guys. God is everywhere. Everywhere. He shows up in places where you least expect him. He breaks the rules. He is relentless. That nurse was Jesus to me in that hospital room. She blessed me more than I can say. Thank God for good nurses. And thank you, God, for never letting us go.
I continued to pray a lot of verses over Nora the whole time we were there, but these are what I kept coming back to. God was really speaking to me in Psalm 62:6-9
Thursday afternoon, the on-call doctor ordered a chest x-ray and a stomach x-ray. Both of those looked normal so we could rule out any lung disease.
My dear friend, Kim, came to see us that night which was such a relief to my worried heart. She is a NICU nurse at a different hospital and it was so helpful to just have her presence and her wisdom. We got her opinion on what we should be asking doctors and nurses about, and just got to have someone who was used to this kind of environment give us a little encouragement.
That evening we started noticing that Nora actually struggled LESS when Joe and I were holding her. And that she was breathing fine while nursing. Both things that were unexpected. Our nurse was wise and noticed the same things. She allowed us to hold her for a long time that night, which was good for this mama's heart.
By the end of that night (Thursday), we were feeling really frustrated that we were pretty much in the same place that we were that morning. We wanted there to be a plan. She wasn't making any progress and we still had no idea why she was struggling to breathe.
At her 11PM feeding, I accidentally pulled Nora's tube out of her nose. There were a lot of cords to work around while nursing. When it came out, Joe told them he did not want them to put it back in unless it was absolutely necessary. The nurse said she would leave it out unless/until the doctor said something.
Joe ended up staying the night on the pull out bed in the NICU room and I slept downstairs in my recovery room. But I came up every three hours to nurse. When I came up for a feeding at 5 AM, the nurse said "look how much better she is doing!" And she really was. She did not look nearly as labored by breathing.
Look at this sweet little face. We were really expecting the doctors to make rounds and be much more optimistic on Friday morning. But, the thing about the NICU is that different doctors are on call each day and you always have multiple doctors working together. Which is good - more ideas working together is good. But it's also kind of hard. You have some doctors who are very optimistic and some who are not. The doctor we saw on Friday was not. She said she was glad to see the breathing getting better, that it probably was just swelling from suctioning, but we still had a blood sugar issue to deal with.
So, we started this regimen of: weighing Nora, nursing her, weighing her again to see how much colostrum she was getting, pumping, feeding Nora what I had pumped from the previous feeding, and supplementing with formula. Oh, and we also had to take her temp at every feeding, weigh her dirty diapers, and she had to have her heel pricked before each feeding to check blood sugar.
My mom stayed with us for a while Saturday, also. Again, so nice to have her company.
When they the boys (and later my mom) left that day, we were still thinking that Nora and I would be there a few days. The boys really wanted us to come home with them so that was hard to not have a set time we knew we would be discharged.
However, when Sunday morning rolled around, we got this really awesome new doctor. :) Much more optimistic! We had already gotten the go-ahead to take Nora off the IV since her blood sugar numbers had been increasing during the night.
When the doctors made rounds one of the residents (who had been there Saturday, also) gave everyone the briefing on all of Nora's stats and said that her opinion was that now, our goal should be allowing Nora to be a "normal" newborn. Her recommendation was that we stay one more night for observation. The new doctor responded "why? I don't think there's any reason we can't talk about sending her home today".
He looked at me and said "what do you think?"
I told him that I felt like she was acting like a "normal" baby and that I was comfortable with where we were at. I told him that, especially since my milk was starting to come in, I was sure she would only keep improving on feeding and blood sugar.
"Yeah", he responded, "30mL is a lot to feed a newborn".
THANK YOU, doctor! That's what I said!
So, after a car seat test and a few more hours to get everything unhooked, process paper work, etc. I put this pretty little girl in a cute outfit and our boys came to pick us up. We were so relieved to be home!
Thank you all SO much for your prayers. We could feel them and we are so grateful that she is doing well.
Since she had the low blood sugar issue, we had weight checks every few days for the first two weeks. But when she was above her birth weight at her two week appointment we were back to regular well child visits.
Praise God!!
I will start by saying that when Nora was born she took a while to make any sound. An uncomfortable while. My boys mostly came out screaming so I was anxious to hear something from her. No one was freaking out but everyone in the room felt a little bit of urgency. The doctor placed her on my chest and started rubbing her. The nurses and Joe and I were all talking to her saying things like "Let me hear you, Nora." "Give us a cry, little girl". They suctioned her out and after that little while, she did cry and everything kind of proceeded normally. We had about an hour of mama/baby bonding, she had a bath, I had a shower, and we moved to a postpartum recovery room, as is the procedure at our hospital.
All my babies have sounded kind of "snorty" after birth. I don't know if it's the shape of their noses or what but they all tend to sound like little piglets for a while. Nora was sounding that way and no one seemed concerned. I certainly wasn't.
But after we got to our recovery room at about 3 AM, they took her temp and found it to be a little lower than they wanted. So, the NICU staff came down, put her on a warmer and got her temp back up. They bundled her up, brought her back to me, and we all went to sleep.
We woke up the next morning and had our breakfast, nursed, got checked out by nurses, etc. The usual. Except that around 8:30 that morning I started noticing a little bit of wheezing with each breath. When my nurse came back in, she noticed it also. We unwrapped her swaddle to take her temperature again, when we noticed that her chest was retracting pretty hard with each breath. That was when I started to feel worried. My nurse called the NICU nurses to take a look and they decided to take her up to the NICU for a more thorough exam.
At this point, no one was too worked up. There wasn't any talk of admitting her to the NICU, they were just going to do an exam. So, they told me to take a shower, finish eating breakfast and then head up. So I did. But I sent Joe with Nora up to the NICU.
I was taking my time, but when I walked into her room in the NICU, she was under an oxyhood and everyone was a little more somber.
This was hard for us. We wanted to hold her. Joe stayed like this for the rest of the day. I was so thankful that he was committed to touching her and talking to her. He played her our "Nora" playlist (that we had listened to during labor and delivery). It takes a lot for Joe to get emotional, but this was a lot for him.
Around lunchtime the nurses suggested that I go back downstairs to eat and rest. (There is no food allowed in the NICU). They assured me that they would call my room when she was ready to nurse again. I cried again when I left her.
As we were eating lunch the NICU called to say that Nora's blood sugar had dropped and so they had started an IV. We hurried back upstairs because, although I wanted them to do whatever she needed, it seemed strange that all of that happened so quickly and we weren't there.
I kept telling myself that there were lots of other babies in the NICU that were in much more serious situations. But this was still new territory for us. This was still unexpected. And no one wants anything to happen to their baby.
The rest of that day was spent "observing". While I was taking a nap that afternoon, they decided to put a tube down her nose and make sure there was no extra air in her stomach that might be hindering her lungs from expanding all the way. Joe hated this. Hated it. He couldn't handle watching them place the tube and he was very unsettled about it the whole day.
At some point in the afternoon they switched nurses (not at the normal shift change at 7pm). The new nurse (Karen) started explaining all the things I needed to know about staying in the NICU. That was when I knew for sure that they were admitting us. She told me about all the machines that Nora was hooked up to. We learned about what numbers the doctors wanted to see when monitoring heart rate, respiratory rate, and oxygen saturation. She told us all kinds of things about long-term NICU stay. It was overwhelming.
Joe went home to eat dinner and with the boys and help my mom put them to bed. I ate dinner down in my room and came back with my Bible. Karen was getting ready to leave at the 7pm shift change. But when I walked in she said "reading your Bible?"
"yes", I responded.
"It's a good thing to read", she said.
After she briefed the new nurse she same back in and whispered "Would you like to pray with me?"
"yes", I said, through a sob.
She smiled. "Just let me close the door."
So we laid hands on Nora and whispered prayers for healing over her tiny little body, still struggling to breathe.
This is the most amazing thing, you guys. God is everywhere. Everywhere. He shows up in places where you least expect him. He breaks the rules. He is relentless. That nurse was Jesus to me in that hospital room. She blessed me more than I can say. Thank God for good nurses. And thank you, God, for never letting us go.
I continued to pray a lot of verses over Nora the whole time we were there, but these are what I kept coming back to. God was really speaking to me in Psalm 62:6-9
"My soul be at rest in God alone, from whom comes my hope.
God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height, I shall not fall.
My safety and glory are with God, my strong rock and refuge.
Trust God at all times, my people!
Pour out your hearts to God our refuge!"
Thursday afternoon, the on-call doctor ordered a chest x-ray and a stomach x-ray. Both of those looked normal so we could rule out any lung disease.
My dear friend, Kim, came to see us that night which was such a relief to my worried heart. She is a NICU nurse at a different hospital and it was so helpful to just have her presence and her wisdom. We got her opinion on what we should be asking doctors and nurses about, and just got to have someone who was used to this kind of environment give us a little encouragement.
That evening we started noticing that Nora actually struggled LESS when Joe and I were holding her. And that she was breathing fine while nursing. Both things that were unexpected. Our nurse was wise and noticed the same things. She allowed us to hold her for a long time that night, which was good for this mama's heart.
By the end of that night (Thursday), we were feeling really frustrated that we were pretty much in the same place that we were that morning. We wanted there to be a plan. She wasn't making any progress and we still had no idea why she was struggling to breathe.
At her 11PM feeding, I accidentally pulled Nora's tube out of her nose. There were a lot of cords to work around while nursing. When it came out, Joe told them he did not want them to put it back in unless it was absolutely necessary. The nurse said she would leave it out unless/until the doctor said something.
Joe ended up staying the night on the pull out bed in the NICU room and I slept downstairs in my recovery room. But I came up every three hours to nurse. When I came up for a feeding at 5 AM, the nurse said "look how much better she is doing!" And she really was. She did not look nearly as labored by breathing.
When babies aren't breathing well, a lot of other issues seem to spiral out of control. Like the low temperatures and the low blood sugar numbers. Remember, Nora was on an IV so we had to start weaning her off of that. So, the on-call doctor told me that, in order to do that, she would need to eat 30mL at each feeding. I was very overwhelmed with that number because, as a mom who had nursed three newborns, I know that nursing babies are getting drops of colostrum for the first few days. 30mL is a lot to ask, so obviously I would have to supplement with formula.
These pictures were taken a few days after we got home, but you can still see her little owies from the blood sugar checks.
So, Friday that is pretty much all we did. My mom came up Friday afternoon and cuddled Nora and kept me company. She would give her a bottle while I pumped. Nora always took the most formula from Grandma. :) It was so nice to have her there.
Friday I was discharged. So, after my dinner Friday night, I was no longer a patient, but I was not going to leave Nora. So, I packed up my things and moved up the pull-out couch in the NICU room. Not so comfy. Especially when you're still recovering from giving birth.
Saturday was more of the same - it was exhausting keeping up with the feeding and pumping and supplementing. It left very little time for rest after washing all the bottles, storing and labeling what I had pumped, and getting everything reset for the next round. The same doctor from Friday was on-call again. During morning rounds she kept talking about how a baby on day 4 of life should have no problem taking in 30mL at each feeding. That is still way more than a nursing baby would usually get, and I kept reminding her that Nora was born at 11:30pm, so what she was referring to as "day 1 of life" was actually only 30 minutes. She did not appreciate this reminder.
Saturday was the day that the boys came to see their sister for the first time. You can see the videos in the previous post. It was sooo good for me to see them. I was missing them so much and was worried that they would be worried. I went to meet them in the lobby on the NICU floor. When they came out of the elevator they ran to me and hugged me and made a big scene and I loved every minute of it. More tears. The woman at the desk commented on how nice it was to see that the kids had missed mom. :)
Nora was still hooked up to all the monitors when they saw her but we just bundled her up so the cords were coming out of the bottom of her swaddle. They asked a couple of questions but they didn't seem concerned.
When they the boys (and later my mom) left that day, we were still thinking that Nora and I would be there a few days. The boys really wanted us to come home with them so that was hard to not have a set time we knew we would be discharged.
However, when Sunday morning rolled around, we got this really awesome new doctor. :) Much more optimistic! We had already gotten the go-ahead to take Nora off the IV since her blood sugar numbers had been increasing during the night.
When the doctors made rounds one of the residents (who had been there Saturday, also) gave everyone the briefing on all of Nora's stats and said that her opinion was that now, our goal should be allowing Nora to be a "normal" newborn. Her recommendation was that we stay one more night for observation. The new doctor responded "why? I don't think there's any reason we can't talk about sending her home today".
He looked at me and said "what do you think?"
I told him that I felt like she was acting like a "normal" baby and that I was comfortable with where we were at. I told him that, especially since my milk was starting to come in, I was sure she would only keep improving on feeding and blood sugar.
"Yeah", he responded, "30mL is a lot to feed a newborn".
THANK YOU, doctor! That's what I said!
So, after a car seat test and a few more hours to get everything unhooked, process paper work, etc. I put this pretty little girl in a cute outfit and our boys came to pick us up. We were so relieved to be home!
Thank you all SO much for your prayers. We could feel them and we are so grateful that she is doing well.
Since she had the low blood sugar issue, we had weight checks every few days for the first two weeks. But when she was above her birth weight at her two week appointment we were back to regular well child visits.
Praise God!!
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