Falling Down

It's fall.  My favorite time of year... for a million different reasons...but I can't help but marvel at the trees.  I think the fiery red leaves are my favorite.

Have you ever noticed that some of the leaves let go more easily than the others?

Some fall while they are still green.  The sun comes pouring through the branches, the wind tugs, beckoning gently, and they flutter down onto still-green grass.

Some hold on for the cooler air, the richer colors, the brisker winds.

And some...well, some curl and turn brown, hold on into the dead of winter.  The below freezing winds howl, the snow and ice blast at them and yet they cling.

Don't they know that old, shriveled, lifeless leaves are much less becoming than those that simply let go?  The ones that let go are the ones that get jumped in, crunched by the preschooler's shoes.  If they would just let go they would be the heat and life of bonfire and the beauty of the elementary school artwork.

Don't I know this? 

That letting go is simply the gateway to a new purpose?

Which one are you?

I think my dad would like the sound of that.

Roman:  "Hey, Mommy, do you have a mommy?"
Me:  "Of course!  You know who my mommy is."
Roman:  "Yeah!  Grandma."
Me:  "You're right."
Roman:  "And Grandpa Bob is your dad?"
Me:  "No, Grandpa David is my dad.  Where does Grandpa David live?"
Roman:  "Grandpa David lives in Heaven with Jesus."
Me:  "Yep."
Roman:  "Was he sick?"
Me:  "Grandpa David?  No, he wasn't sick.  He had an accident."
Roman:  "Yeah, he was a little bit sick."
Me:  "No, he had an accident.  He was driving his tractor and he had an accident."
Roman:  "Yeah.  Grandpa David drove his tractor to Heaven".

Where have you been all my life? Or is it where have I been all my life?

WELL.

I didn't write anything on this blog during the entire month of May. Yikes.

All three of my boys are napping (which is miraculous!) and so here I am. Finally.

Let's just catch up, shall we?

Mr. Silas is...

Well, just kidding. Now I only have two sleeping boys. But I can cuddle a baby and type, so we're still good. (Do you see the predicament? :))

Mr. Silas is rolling from tummy to back (since he was 9 weeks old...he is currently three and half months old, so that's old news, really...not that you would know since I never write on my blog...). He is also scooting around on his back, smiling up a storm, cooing all the time, and just starting to laugh. Mostly at Roman. That biggest brother is a funny guy.

Judah - my big two year old! He had his golden birthday on June 2nd and loved it. He sang along anytime someone sang him Happy Birthday. And now he just sings it to himself about once a day. I made him an Elmo cake, which he loved, and he got new blocks, cars, and water flutes. This little boy is loved. He is chatty all the time but we usually can only understand about one word per sentence. He goes on and on in some made up language that sounds like a variation of Japanese and then ..."strawberry" or "cookie". It's usally food. When in doubt, you can pretty much garuntee he's talking about food. Judah also loves to go to church and talk about God. He is fascinated by Father Jim and runs up to him immediately when we walk through the church doors. He stands right as his feet and stares up at him with a big grin on his face. He usually doesn't say anything, just smiles. But during church, he is very vocal. Anytime Father opens the book, extends his arms, and begins a prayer, Judah has to do the same. It's pretty adorable. But then he ends up LOUDLY saying "Far" (father), "church", "ho speart", "Jesus", "God", "Amen". It's quite the worship experience. But it brings us so much joy. Silas was the one born of the Feast of the Chair of St Peter, but Judah might end up being our priest. :) Judah has a passionate love for the movie Madagascar, and more specifically, the song Move It, Move It. Probably about 10 times a day, he will walk up to me and say (in his deep voice) "...uh...move it?" It makes me laugh every time. So, about 10 times a day, we have a little dance party to Move it, Move it.

Roman is going to be four next week. Could someone tell me how that happened? FOUR?? He has been to Vacation Bible School all this week and is loving it. He gets really excited about singing and dancing to the songs.
Some of my current Roman faves:

• Roman: "Mom, are you going to feed Silas?"

Me: "yes"

Roman: "you are a nice feeder".

• he calls his piggy bank a "penny pig"



• Me: "Roman, how many hands do you have?"

Roman: "two"

Me: "yes! How many mouths do you have?"

Roman: "One!"

Me: "good job! How many hairs do you have?"

Roman: "RED!"

• When he learned that our friend from church, Katlin, was going to be spending a semseter in Rome, he said "Katlin, are you going to be a priest??"



• I'm sure most of you have heard the story, but for the sake of me remembering in 10 years, I have to make sure I put this on the blog. About three and a half months ago we brought tiny baby Silas home from the hospital. As we were getting the boys ready for bed our first night home, Joe was sitting in the rocking chair with Silas and he asked me to go get some scissors so that we could take off all of our hospital bracelets. Roman and Judah were jumping on their beds. I came back with scissors, clipped off Silas' bracelet, and then I heard the sound of absolute terror. Roman was suddenly screaming and crying so I turned around, assuming he had fallen of the bed or something. But then he shouted "She cut his finger off!!!" He really thought that I had amputated one of Silas' fingers. It was very sad and scary and CONFUSING. But we finally got him to count all of Silas' fingers and assure him that I would never hurt anyone. (I didn't know we needed to cover that, but apparently it was NOT clear to him.) Even the next few days he would occasionally ask me if I had cut Silas' finger off. NO. Just so everyone is on the same page, the answer is no.



• I taught him the song Pharoah, Pharoah the other day when we were reading about Moses. (How the heck do I remember all the words to that song??) Now he asks me to sing it all the time.

Oh, there's so much more to say about my beautiful boys, but I will have to save more for later.

As for me, lately I have been spending wasting my time on the follow things in no particular order: watching Modern Family, The Voice, and The Event. Figuring out Pinterest (due to my very savy tech skills, it has taken me a while. Now I'm just trying to not become addicted).

I have been also done a few worthwhile things with my time: obviously spending time with my fam, trying to figure out how to clean my house with three children, reading, writing and leading our high school girls' Bible study!, and probably some other stuff.

I am really just starting to figure out how to handle our family of five without feeling completely overwhelmed. I'm not going to lie, adjusting to three has been a challenge. I think that's why I've taken such a long blog hiatus. I'm just trying to keep up.

People ask me how I do it...and I feel kind of silly when they do. It's not like I'm the first person to ever have 3 children. It's not like 3 is a large number of children. It's not like I'm really even very successful at it. yet. :) It's not like they are ridiculously close together. I feel like there are so many other amazing families out there that they could be asking, but I want to give a few honest answers to that question here. Because, while it's not that I have a super large family, I have heard from numerous people that adjusting to their third child was the most difficult for them.

So, here's how I do it. You can either read this because you would like to see how you might like to do things... or to see how you would not like to do things. I won't judge you either way. :)

• I memorize scripture. Large chunks of it. (Psalm 1, Psalm 46, the Magnificat) Because I have been failing miserabley at having a consistent, daily God time. But if it's on my heart, I can take it with me wherever I go. Or shout the verses over screaming children to maintain sanity. Either way.

I wish I was kidding.

• I try to be out and about. As difficult as it is to chase Judah around the library, at least we're having a good time, getting some fresh air, and maybe some adult conversation (between running after toddlers, of course!)


• summer. summer = parks, pool in the backyard, walks, and more outside adventures. Winter is not so easy. If only I could control the weather...


• I try to talk with other stay-at-home moms frequently. I need to be better about this because it's always refreshing when you're sharing a specific vision for your families.


• I read the blog A Holy Experience. So encouraging every day.


• I need to post this on my wall. I love love LOVE being at home with my boys. But sometimes I want "me" time. I want quiet...and sleep... and the ability to run errands without 6 potty breaks, the chaos that is loading and unloading 3 boys from the car, and bribing someone to "just sit quietly for 5 more minutes". I need that post to remind me of what's important in life, and why I do what I do.


• John 3:30. Most of all, what gets me through the day, is reminding myself that He must become greater and I must become less. Being a mom is a daily reminder that our call as believers is to let go of self, die to our own desires, and let God be enough. He will sustain us. He is enough. I can't love my children or my husband enough. Only HE is enough. I can't make myself happy with things or free time or even with friends and family (amazing as they are). Only He is enough.

Only He is enough.

Thoughts on Pregnancy

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant with my third child. And it is nothing less than miraculous. Maybe that sounds cliche but, let me tell you, I mean it with the utmost sincerity from my heart. I love being pregnant. A friend of mine recently asked me why I so loved this whole experience and I thought I would share a few things that have become crystal clear to me, and/or things that have left me full of awe in this incredible journey. I don't want to forget the precious things about this season of my life.





The whole design of marriage and sexuality and pregnancy is just astounding. It's amazing to me that God made men and women so that we don't make sense apart from each other. Like lock and key we fit together and, in that union, we are able to partner with Him to create life. The weight of this reality is overlooked so often in our society. We don't realize, I mean, we don't really comprehend that each time we choose to become one, there is opportunity for life. what.a.blessing.





I love the feeling of a baby moving inside of me. It's the craziest way to bring a new person in the world, but I'm so glad that He made it that way.





I love that, when I'm pregnant (and aside from the times when I'm complaining about aches and pains or heartburn...oh, the heartburn...), my body is doing what it was created to do. Yes, our first BLESSING was fertility:

Gen 1:28

God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply".

How often do we hear fertility referred to as a blessing? I wish it were a more common way of thinking. I never get over the "wow factor" of being with child.





I love that I get to be a living, breathing pro-life witness. Babies are a gift from God. Nothing says it more clearly than a pregnant woman.





I love that my husband is proud to have a pregnant wife.

I love that pregnancy gives us the opportunity to share more of our story with people. It seems that people are more open to discussing children/family/your beliefs when they can see that you are pregnant. I am happy that we can answer people's honest questions. For example, we have heard a lot of this one: "Do you think you'll have more?" or "Will you keep trying until you get a girl?" They are totally innocent and genuine questions, and are in no way offensive. I'm glad that gives us the chance to talk about how we use NFP and how we discern God's will for our family on a monthly basis. It's a really novel concept to some...I think because many people don't necessarily consider fertility something to discern.

I love that, especially as a woman, this experience connects me to women all over the world.





I love that this life-giving love connects me to our Blessed Mother. Since experiencing pregnancy and parenting, I have reflected so much more on the life of Mary and the role that she played in Salvation history.





I love that at communion, when the priest presents the host and says "this is my body given up for you", I have a little bit more understanding about the meaning of those words.





I love that, in labor, I get to share a tiny amount of Christ's suffering, knowing that it will ultimately bring life and love. It makes me understand why we call it his Passion.


There are so many other reasons that could be listed, but these are a few that are especially dear to my heart.


PS - I would like to be praying for all of you while I am in labor. Leave a comment or send me an e-mail letting me know how I can be praying for you and for your family!

Weakness

I have been feeling like a bad mom rather inadequate this week. Do you ever get in those slumps? The ones where you feel like you're just trying to "make it through" your day? Where surviving with a few ounces of sanity becomes the goal?

I hate feeling that way.

But, the reality is that it happens. Maybe it's just to me, but I'm guessing that some other people have felt this way before.

I could make a thousand excuses for myself - the boys haven't been sleeping as well now that they share a room, and I am 8 months pregnant and tired, and it's been so cold that we coudn't play outside and I'm crazy emotional about nothing most days, and I just need more "me" time, and on and on and on...

But I have come to realize that excuses don't change anything. I said that I hate getting to the end of my day and feeling like I haven't been purposeful, like I haven't enjoyed the little moments. If I hate it, then what has to change in order for me to change?

Not that some of those things don't factor into making a stressful day, but most of my problem right now is that I have been horribly inconsistent about having my God time. Meaning, it hasn't happened all week. How am I supposed to be giving my children good, Godly parenting when I'm not receiving it myself?

The real heart of the problem is not any of the exhausting things about having little boys. The heart of the problem is that my heart is not in the right place. I am trying and trying to make our house run smoothly and be a good mom and feel like we accomplished something by the end of the day.

But It's not about me.

If I want to give my boys love...true love...Love Himself, then it's about time to realize that this whole journey or parenting and family is about Him. I will never be capable of doing it all and doing it perfectly. The key is surrender. Because His power is made perfect in my weakness.

How freeing!

I don't want to miss out on the right nows...even the times when I feel like I can't possibly say "Judah, please don't climb that" in a nice way one more time. Because they are only little once. And I know there will come a day when I will miss saying that.

***

And how about you, dear friends, what do you do to ensure that you spend a purposeful day being truly present with your kiddos?

The Holy Family

The King in her womb made her visibly great with child. She had grown beautifully large with Grace himself. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Her skin streched thin over the coming Christ child.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

The Savior was knit together within her, now a living tabernacle.

And I wonder at the anticipation she must have had. Much like the anticipation all women feel

who have carried a babe. But this...this was different. This was the Son of the Most High. The heir to David's throne.

But her very life sustained his.

And she loved Him as I love mine.

And her Joseph...

I have often thought how my Joseph was appropriately named. My Joseph is much like this Godly man. A quiet hero, who needs no aknowledgement though he deserves much. A man who sacrifices all for his family. Who is obedient without a big display.

And this family is so beautiful.

I pray that our family would grow to be more like this one.

Silas David

Yes! That is his name!! I am so excited to finally be able to call him by his name! (In case you are wondering what changed since this post....I'll write more on Joe's change of heart soon! :))

***

All I could think this morning, from the moment I woke up was

"only say the word and I shall be healed".

We have been praying so much for our precious baby boy. We have had so many more praying on our behalf and we are so thankful. As I got myself ready to go to our ultrasound this morning, I just kept thinking "God, you can. Only you can. All you have to do is choose to heal this pregnancy, it will happen."

Please, Father.

***

Don't ever let anyone tell you that God doesn't perform miracles. Two months ago, this was a "hopeless" cause. We were told that the placenta was not likely to move. We were told to prepare for bed rest and a C-section. They said we should work on finding people who would be able to help us. Be sure to watch for any spotting, come in right away if there are any contractions. Be careful. Nothing strenuous. If you begin labor on your own, this could quickly become a very dangerous situation.

We said "We'll be praying". The doctor and the ultrasound tech both said "I think that's nice".

Nice? Well, I suppose.

Powerful? Yes. Most certainly.

Our God is a warrior.

***

I also want to say that I know there are some mamas out there who have prayed for their babies and their prayer was not answered the way that they had hoped. There are some people who have begged and pleaded on behalf of some more dangerous, more pressing matter, and have walked away disappointed.

I don't have answers for all of that.

But, here's what I do know. We serve a God who is good all the time. Even when we don't understand what's happening around us or to us, He is good. Even though we live in a fallen world where death and destruction and disillusionment are daily occurances, He is good.

***

I came across this verse in Deuteronomy just a couple of weeks after we found out about this complication in our pregnancy. And it was one of those times when I knew that God was speaking. Not like I could hear an audible voice, but I knew. In my heart I knew this verse was meant for my eyes and my soul at that particular time.

And I knew that either way, no matter how God chose to move or chose not to move, that this verse, this truth, would be the only thing we needed. We only needed Him.

Deuteronomy 4:35

All this you were allowed to see that you might know the LORD is God

and that there is no other.

Now, obviously, Deuteronomy wasn't talking about Ruth Ann's placenta previa. This verse is referring to the way that God revealed himself to the Israelites as he freed them from Egyptian captivity...by testings, signs, and wonders, by war, with his strong hand and outstretched arm, and by great terrors. (v.34)

But, as soon as we heard, "Yes, you see this? The placenta is no longer covering any part of the cervix. This means that you can consider this a normal pregnancy from here on out". Oh, the relief. And immediately, I thought, "yes, the Lord is God, and there is no other".

God has heard us.

He has saved us.

He is a compassionate father with fierce loyalty.

He has intervened on our behalf.

Praise Immanuel! God is with us!!

The One Where I Ponder the Kitchen and the Heart

I haven't posted much lately because I am having a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words. It has been challenging to sort through the emotions of everything that has happened in the last month. Throw in extra crazy-pregnancy-emotions and you get a bunch of ridiculous blubbering that makes no sense whatsoever.

I actually typed out a whole post the other night and when I went back to read through it, I realized that it actually sounded like I was illiterate. It was just a bunch of words that made no sense together. Aren't you glad I didn't post that one?? :)

Anyway, I am going to try again.

The last month has been scary. I think I've pretty much already covered all the bases there.
The last month has been miraculous. God is so good and so faithful to us.
The last month has been humbling.

I know I have already said it, but I am so overwhelmed with all the help that I have received, especially from the AMAZING women at our church. It is so neat when you just a get a call saying "hey, I'm coming over on Tuesday to take the boys to the park so you can rest" or "hey, what day would you like to borrow a teenage daughter? She can play with the kids and clean your house." Seriously? I feel so so blessed. It has really made me think about the kind of woman I want to be and what I am doing right now in order to become that woman.

I feel like there are so many days that I go through my routine trying to "get by" instead of being purposeful. I hate that.

Most recently, I feel like there are days when I dwell on what I can't do--on my limitations-- instead of what is important. For example, I am not supposed to be lifting heavy things or doing anything strenuous. That means little things you wouldn't think of like laundry baskets, trash bags, little boys who don't want to go where you want them to, etc. Yes, it's frustrating to have a messy house and to not be able to lift my little guys. But does that really matter? What is the most important thing to me?

What is the point of keeping up the false appearance that I always have my act together? (that is what it has become. Sometimes I just want to have a clean house, and a delicious meal on the table, with well behaved children so that people will think I'm doing a good job) But, is that accomplishing my ultimate goal to unconditionally love my kids and show them what it means to know, love, and serve the Lord daily...despite our circumstances? And what is a "good job"? And who determines that? I think it's this: "I want to be faithful in everything, even if no one sees but Him." I answer to Him.

I am far from perfect. Far from the perfect parent. Far from the perfect wife. Far from the pefect homemaker.

So, here is my confesssion of the day:

I raise my voice sometimes. Sometimes I downright yell.
I lose my patience. A lot.
I haven't mopped my floor in weeks.
Sometimes I put in a second movie just to be able to sit quietly with my feet up.
There are days when I put my kids to bed knowing that I didn't teach them anything new.
I suck at being consistent with my God time.
My counters are sticky.
There are days when I realize that bedtime prayer is the only time I have talked to the boys about Jesus all day.
Sometimes I am rude and disrespectful to my husband.
There are days when I voice a lot more complaints than I do positive thoughts.
Sometimes I am totally selfish and want to do my own thing with no one bothering me.
I let laundry pile up for days at a time. And I don't fold my children's clothing. Ever.


I'm not proud of those things, but I needed to tell you. Because who am I helping by pretending to be the perfect mom and wife? I know I'm not really fooling anyone. This striving to seem like I have my act together all the time? It's actually pride...keeping me as a slave to himself. I'm done with that. I would rather be spending my time becoming a woman who serves her family and her friends, lovingly, no matter what the kitchen looks like.

Don't get me wrong, I like a clean house as much as the next mom, but I'd rather have a clean heart.

Ultrasound

Hello friends!

Well, we had another ultrasound yesterday, and I am excited to tell you that we got some good news!

Really this ultrasound was not so much to look at the placenta...it was to look at the baby's spine. The last time we went in, he was feeling a bit stubborn (imagine that...my child...stubborn?) and wouldn't roll over. So, the ultrasound tech couldn't see his whole spine. She said everything else looked fine and she had no reason to think it wouldn't be normal, but we had to come back anyway. I always like to see the baby, so it was fine with me!

They usually wouldn't check on the placenta until 28 weeks - which is another month from now. So, when we went in, she reminded us that we wouldn't necessarily know anything different yet. But right away when she looked she said, "Oh, well that's moved some. I'm going to call it a partial previa". This is very encouraging news, because if the uterus continues to grow the way it has been, it's quite possible that when they check again at our next ultrasound, it will be completely out of the way!

So, basically, thank you, THANK YOU for your prayers! Keep them coming because they are WORKING!

We are not completely "out of the woods" yet, of course. I still need to maintain the same precautions that I have been taking to be sure that we don't put any undue pressure on the placenta. But we are hopeful that this movement, and the continued movement of the placenta might give us the chance to have another natural birth!

And, even if the placenta doesn't move any more, even if we still have to have a C-section, a partial previa is much less of a risk to the baby's safety.

But, as we have seen, God is bigger than this situation and we are so thankful for the way he has been faithful to hear and answer our prayers!

Thanks again for joining us on this journey! Love you you all...

Jeremiah 29:12

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

To post or not to post...

So...here's the deal: I have gone back and forth about a hundred times as to whether or not I should post this on my blog. I have been reading it and editing it, and saving it and coming back to it...I guess we'll see what I really think when I get to the end of writing and have to decide whether or not to click "publish post". :)

All of this is probably going to come out in one big jumbled mess. So, take it or leave it. If you feel like it's TMI, feel free to sit this one out. I promise I won't be offended. I am (I think!) going to post this and any subsequent posts in order to keep people in the loop about our third pregnancy. And, more than that, we would love to ask for your prayers.

As most of you know, our ultrasound showed that we have another healthy baby boy on the way! Praise God!

It also showed that I have a Placenta Previa.

I would link to something that tells you more about what that means, except that I don't like reading about medical issues online. Too scary. :)

Here's the gist of the situation: As of right now, the placenta is completely covering the cervix, so unless my uterus grows in such a way that the placenta moves, baby can't get out that way. The doctors say that it's not likely the placenta will move at this point in the pregnancy.


We say God can do anything.


So, we are hopeful (not hoping) - I am learning there is a difference. We are hopeful because God is good all the time. We are hopeful that God will move the placenta and that we will be able to have a natural delivery.

If God chooses not to change our circumstances, (and in that case, we will not be hopeless, because God is unchanging...remember, He's good all the time?) that will mean that baby will be delivered via C-section. It also means that I may have to be on bed rest towards the end of the pregnancy. Regardless of what God does or allows, we trust that it is all in His plan.

In the mean time, I am supposed to be taking it easy. I am not allowed to lift my children, or do anything strenuous. I am still trying to figure out what that means considering I live with Roman and Judah. :)

I would be lying if I said I'm not scared. I would love to say that I am totally at peace and willing to go wherever God will lead us...but fear is, for me, the biggest way that Satan tries to get me to doubt God. Just the thought or mention of a possible complication makes me my mind reel in images, scenarios, and worst-case thoughts. Throw in words like "placental abruption", "hemorrhage", or "dangerous for mom and baby" and...well...I have to stop and remind myself to breathe normally again.

How likely are any of those complications? I don't know. And I'm not really interested in finding out. Because, honestly, it doesn't matter. God will have his way in this no matter what the statistics show. And that's what we want anyway.

This has been a difficult thing for me to write about and talk with people about - not because I don't feel comfortable sharing, but because I'm afraid that people will think I'm being over dramatic or that I will come off as either naive or not trusting God enough. The reality is, in a few weeks, I might be saying "scratch that...none of this is even an issue anymore!" I would love to honor God by showing that he is faithful to us in that way. But if he chooses to be faithful to us in another way, in a way that people don't necessarily understand to be "answered prayer", I want to honor Him then, too.

Does any of this even make any sense? In one sentence I say how much I trust God, and in the next, I say how scared I am? Is that even possible? Am a total hypocrite? Is it both or neither?

I just know that I honestly feel both.

So there ya have it.

We have another ultrasound and doctor's appointment on Monday, and again 4 weeks after that, so I'll update again as I know more. We are anxious to see how God will move in our lives and in the life of this sweet little guy. Please pray that He will be glorified in our family, no matter the situation.

"pray for me...that I won't spoil God's beautiful work." - Mother Theresa

Small Steps to Big Stupid

You should probably read this post over at Stuff Christians Like. So good.

I had to share.

I had to share this beautiful response I got to my previous post. If you have missed the countless times I have referred to our dear friend, Jeff, just go read his blog and you'll see why we love him so much and why we are SO excited about him becoming a priest. He is so genuine and thoughtful, and he loves Jesus so much. :) Jeff, I really appreciate your response, your wisdom, and your friendship. I love it that you took time to answer a three year old's question while you are in ROME. It's proof that you will make it your passion to be Christ to everyone you come in contact with. The Church will be so blessed because of you.

********************************************************

Roman, Roman, Roman... You’re three years-old and already a theologian... you continue to amaze me. (Joe and Ruthann, he might have to skip Sunday School with this one and enroll him straight into some Catholic university...)

But now to the question at hand: “Did the Holy Spirit die on the cross?”

Ruthann, I shall begin with your intuitions because they are quite wonderful. The Trinity has indeed always existed... three Persons, one God, for all eternity... and so it might be said that each Divine Person was “present” prior to the passion, death, and resurrection of Our Lord, Jesus Christ; yet it might also be said that that “presence” was to be dramatically changed after the Son of God was to break into history, for our sake, and become Man. For after the Word of God would take on flesh, God’s relationship with us, and quite profoundly our relationship with Him was to change forever... (and quite for our good, might I add), but this change was only to occur after the Son’s obedience to the Father, through his Sacrifice on the Cross was completed by His Glorification in Heaven.

And this is why when you read in John 16 Christ's words, Christ is telling his disciples that “if I do not go, the Paraclete will not come”; because if he is not Glorified, his Sacrifice would not have been complete... (for what is a Sacrifice if it is not received?)

So don’t get the impression that he is saying that the Holy Spirit is not yet around (or even not yet able to be witnessed on Earth, for recall that he had already been seen at Christ’s Baptism, “in the form of a dove”)... Instead, Christ was saying that if he did not complete his work of atoning for our sins, we as unredeemed sinners would have never been able to share in the intimate life of the Trinity... which is a participation in their intimate Love... whom we call the Holy Spirit.

But now to answer the question a bit more directly... and to do this, we might think of what is meant when we declare that “Jesus died on the cross.” As St. Thomas said (see link), what we declare when we say those words is that Christ died “as man” but not “as God.” For as God, Christ could not have died; it would be impossible for him to have died... God is God, Existence Himself... the Great “I am”... and the Great "I am" could never have been or ever be the Great “I am not”... but in becoming man, the Word of God, through his humanity ,was able to enter death and so make an acceptable offering to the Father for all of Mankind.

So then when we turn to whether or not we could say that the Holy Spirit died on the cross, we have to decidedly say, “no”; for the Holy Spirit, as well as the Father, and even the Son, in his Divinity, cannot be said to pass out of existence.

But please don’t accept this as infallible, for I am far from it...

Jeff

http://www.newadvent.org/summa/4050.htm#article1

www.newadvent.org

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Something to Ponder...

Roman asked me a question this morning that still has me thinking. He is so profound. It's a question I'm not sure I am theologically qualified to answer. Although I have some different ideas running through my head, I'm probably going to need some help here. Father D? Jeff? Anyone else? Let me know what you would say. Remember he's 3. :)

"Did the Holy Spirit die on the cross?"

It's a tough one, huh?

As I understand it, the Trinity has always existed. Three in one. Free of what we know as "time". Before creation, and outside of what our finite minds can grasp. All three persons have always been. (Gen 1:26)

And yet, Jesus had to die in order that he could descend to hell, be raised to life, and ascend to heaven...all so that he could give us the Holy Spirit. (John 16:7)

There is always something to ponder. What do you think?

When You Desire an Overflow...

Sometimes I don't realize what I'm saying until it comes out of my mouth.

Yesterday, as I was making dinner, Roman yelled from the other room "Mommy, I need more cold milk!"

I responded, "Roman, you need to bring me your sippy cup and then you need to ask me using some nice words".

He came into the kitchen, holding his little yellow Sesame Street sippy cup, and said "Mommy, can I have some cold milk please?" (And, yes, he always asks for COLD milk. It's not like I have ever served him warm milk, so I'm not really sure why...but it is what it is).

"Thank you for using good manners!", I said. I got the milk out and held out my hand waiting for him to to hand me the cup.

Suddenly he clutched it closer to his chest and said "No".

"Roman, if you want me to fill your cup, you have to give it to me".

And in that moment it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Jesus said, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, 'Give Me a drink', you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water"
(John 4:10).

I have asked. I have begged. I truly have the desire to change.

I want Him to fill me.

I know that only He can do it. And I want him to.

And, although, He wants to, he can't if I won't let him.

He can't fill me when I get distracted and turn away, he can't fill me when I refuse to surrender.

When you are thirsty...
When you long to have an overflow...
Just give Him your cup.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Psalm 23:5

Fumbling and Frustrated, I Surrender

His fingers fumble with the wrapper.

He has earned a sucker for cleaning his plate and he is so proud. He is grinning, picking at the wrapper, reminding me again, "I ate it all".

He turns it round and round, pulling at the waxy blue paper. His brow is furrowed in concentration. The pulling starts to get more aggressive...

I lean over, my face close to his face.

"Would you like some help?"

"No! I don't want some help"

He is persistent. He starts again...but in vain.

He yells out in frustration this time. No words, just a yell.

I lean over once again, looking into his big blue-gray eyes. I take note of the quivering lip.

"Honey, why don't you let mama help you".

"yes." He seems to feel defeated somehow.

I unwind the wrapper, drop it on the table, and hand him his prize. He perks right back up, satisfied with the reward.

Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried
to my God for help. From his temple he heard
my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.


Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 108:6
Save us and help us with your right hand,
that those you love may be delivered.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold
of your right hand and says to you, Do not
fear; I will help you.

The Sacred Heart of Jesus

Today we celebrate the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.


Here is a beautiful excerpt from the homily given on the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart last year by Pope Benedict XVI:

The heart of God burns with compassion! On today’s solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus the Church presents us this mystery for our contemplation: the mystery of the heart of a God who feels compassion and who bestows all his love upon humanity. A mysterious love, which in the texts of the New Testament is revealed to us as God’s boundless and passionate love for mankind. God does not lose heart in the face of ingratitude or rejection by the people he has chosen; rather, with infinite mercy he sends his only-begotten Son into the world to take upon himself the fate of a shattered love, so that by defeating the power of evil and death he could restore to human beings enslaved by sin their dignity as sons and daughters. But this took place at great cost—the only-begotten Son of the Father was sacrificed on the Cross: “Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end” (cf. Jn 13:1).

Three years ago the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus happened to fall on June 15th...which happened to be the day that God blessed us with our first child.

We thought for sure Roman James would be born on the 14th, but God had other plans. After 24 hours of labor, 10 hours of pitcoin, 40-some hours of no sleep, being just 10 minutes into the day of June 15th...

with one last gasp for relief, one last life-giving push

...I shed the final tears of pain and began to shed the many tears of joy.

That day God showed us a tiny fraction of the kind of love that he has for us...the love of a Father who would die for his children, the love hidden within his Sacred Heart.

This One's for You...

Well, I don't even know if she reads my blog...but if she does, she'll know this post is for her.

We always end up having these late night chats, she and I. It's usually online. It' usually when I should be sleeping. It's usually something insightful. And she usually doesn't even know it.

She is wise beyond her years.

Tonight I tell her that I have been where she is. I tell her that as I look back on my 25 years, I wish I would have slowed down to enjoy each phase. No, not even necessarily enjoy...because life is hard and messy and frustrating and painful and tragic...and sometimes you just can't find joy. There is a time to weep.

I wish I would have made the effort to find contentment in each stage of my life.

Contentment.

It's hard concept to grasp in a culture that finds little to no value in anything that's not instant and/or self-gratifying.

Contentment.

To me, it's not so much a thing or a feeling... or even a state-of-being.

Contentment has a name: Jesus.

So, what I really should have said to this sweet girl is "I wish I would have looked for Jesus in every stage of my life".

I should have looked for Him in each person I loved and in each person I despised. I would have seen Him in both.

I should have looked for Him in every situation - good and bad. I would have seen that He was waiting to show up and prove His faithfulness.

I should have looked for Him in the laughter and in the tears. I would have seen that God has a plan to bring us hope, and that sometimes devastating things happen anyway. No matter the circumstance, though, He stays the same.

I should have looked for Him in the dark places, where I thought surely He was nowhere to be found. I would have seen that sometimes that's where I can see His face the most clearly.

I should have looked for Him when all was right in the world, when I didn't think I needed Him so much. I would have seen that he is the giver of everything good and perfect; He is the Alpha.

I should have looked for Him when I thought He was disappointed in me. I would have seen that I am His and that nothing can separate us.

Let me make one thing clear. Contentment is not the same thing as ignorance. It doesn't mean that we turn a blind eye to all the suffering in our lives or all the disasters raging around us. It means we accept the pleasure and the pain, the blessings and the trials, for what they are. It means that we rejoice in knowing the One who ordained each moment before there was time.

I should have looked. I would have seen.

1 Tim 6:6-7 But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it

I would have seen Him.

Psalm 119:57, 114 You are my portion, O LORD...You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word

I would have found Contentment Himself.

Philippians 4:12-13 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

What I Thought I Knew

Monica did a great post on why last night's episdoe of LOST was so disappointing. Well, the episode wasn't disappointing, it was just one scene...but we both sat there with jaws wide open and hearts bursting with frustration. The thing that was the most annoying to me, was that I felt they did a good job of representing authentic Catholic faith in some of the earlier seasons.

It's the perfect example of why there are so many misconceptions about Christianity and, specifically, about Catholicism. It happens all the time in the secular media. No need to list examples, I'm sure you can think of plenty on your own.

When I joined the Catholic Church (7 years ago this Easter!!), it wasn't necessarily a popular choice. There were people in my life who did not agree with my decision, there were people who believed I was doing it "for Joe". We weren't married, or even engaged at the time, so I never really understood that argument.

I still have close or even great relationships with all of the people who expressed some type of concern, so this isn't to point fingers or express any bitterness. The truth is that, for the most part, I understood why they said the things they did.

Maybe that sounds like a contradiction, but I understand why some people felt I was making a bad choice. Honestly, if you had asked me about Catholicism anytime before 2002, I would have said (and in fact, DID say) that I would never become Catholic. God had other things in mind (as he usually does!).

I was under a lot of assumptions about the Catholic Church based on hearsay...on what I thought I knew, based on what other people had said to me. I thought I knew some things about the Catholicism because I knew some people who were "Catholic", and I had seen plenty of things on movies or TV shows that reaffirmed all the things I "knew". The secular media is good at that game. And to be honest, people are good at buying into it. I would just like to encourage you...if you are not Catholic, or if you are Catholic and you are looking for an answer to some question, please go to a reliable source that will give tell you what the Church actually teaches. Here are a few of my favorites:
Catechism of the Catholic Church - search any topic
Catholic Answers - ask a question and get an answer or browse topics
Scott Hahn - Protestant minister who converted to Catholicism
Christopher West - Writes books about JPII's Theology of the Body. Good News about Sex and Marriage explains a lot of the Church's teachings on sexuality.

Maybe at some point I will share more of my faith journey here. It's a story that is very dear to my heart. I am still in awe at the way that God has pursued me through all my life. He has captivated me and challenged me in ways I never thought possible. He has sometimes shocked me with the things he has asked of me. I never pictured that I would be where I am today, but I wouldn't have it any other way, because I know that I have been obedient to His call on my life and he is ever drawing me nearer. What more could I ask for?

In closing I would just like to say one more thing.

There is not a Catholic Body of Christ and a Protestant Body of Christ. Though we have doctrinal differences, we (sadly) have division, we have different styles of worship, we have different liturgical practices...

It all comes down to one thing. One man.

God made flesh.

Freedom for the Captives.

Because if He sets you free, you are free indeed.

Sometimes it Takes a Toddler

As I have demonstrated over and over again through this blog (and many other life circumstances), I tend to be a little slow on the up-take.



Yes, I am a college grad. In elementary education.



I was on the Dean's List.



I have a long list of resume-worthy descriptions of myself. None of which make me immune to the density that sometimes overtakes me. I guess maybe it's not so much density as plain old self absorption.



Let me give you a perfect example.



I may have mentioned that I recently read the book Crazy Love. If you haven't read it, you should. It will change your life.



Now, I tend to exaggerate...just a tad...every now and then, but I couldn't be more serious about this. I am pretty sure it was the most challenging book I have ever read. When I say challenging, let me clarify: it was an easy read, but it made me rethink so many things in and about my life. You should go buy it/borrow it/check it out. right now.



One of the main points that Chan conveys in the book is that we need to take much more literally Christ's command to love our neighbor as ourselves. How? Well, it's obviously going to be a different call on everyone's life. I appreciated that he acknowledged that. It could be through giving money, serving, sacrificing time or comfort of resources. He gave a lot of good real life examples.



I also really appreciated that Chan was bold and unapologetic about saying that, for some people, it would be a very radical call. He says something along the lines of "I'm not saying that everyone is called to quit their job and move to Africa to be a missionary. But, are you? Maybe." The point is that we are quick to claim that we are "called" to only things that we want to do and feel comfortable doing.



Enter: me.

I could give you hundreds of examples of how I am a lot of talk and not a lot of walk. I am an outright hypocrite about so many things. In all reality, until I read that book, I didn't think too much of my lack of faith-in-action. I am easily caught in the trap of comparing myself to everyone else and thinking I'm ok.

You know how it goes.

You put your life up next to someone else's and you start tallying.

"Well, at least I don't struggle with _____".

"She might be better about_____...but at least I am doing ______".

"Even though he has_________...at least I have my act together when it comes to _______".

And, seriously...what's the point of that??

We are called to:

Feed the hungry
Give drink to the thirsty
Clothe the naked
Shelter the homeless
Visit the sick
Visit those in prison
Bury the dead
PERIOD.

(Matthew 25)

It doesn't matter if I feel like doing it.

It doesn't matter if it's not convenient.

It doesn't matter if other people don't make it a priority.

It doesn't matter if other people don't think it's a good idea.

It's what we are called to do.

Why is that so hard for me sometimes?

So, all of that to FINALLY get to the real story.

The other day I was driving somewhere in Ames with the kids. I saw a man walking on the sidewalk. I have seen him before. I don't know his story, but I know he's homeless. I passed by him without a second thought.

Until about 30 seconds later.

Remember the part where I am slow??

So, after I realize that I am an idiot...about 1000 things start going through my head.

"What should I have done? I have kids in the car. I don't know if he is mentally stable...some people say he's not. Other people say he is. How much should I consider my own safety? Maybe if Joe was in the car...would that have actually changed things? Does it matter? I didn't do anything. I could have at least bought some food for him. Is that lame? Shouldn't I be taking that verse in Matthew 25 literally? Does that mean I...like...bring him home with me?"

Ridiculous, I know. It's hard to be in my head sometimes. (To be quite honest, I am still a little confused on what this should look like - especially when there are kiddos involved. Any ideas?)

About this time, Roman pipes up from the back, singing a song at the top of his lungs, from the Veggie Tales movie, "Jonah".

"If you believe God's love is true then you should know what you should do"

And I actually start thinking about Jonah's disobedience.

I know, I know.

If I claim to belong to the King, then I need to be serious about people being able to see Him when they come in contact with me.

I should know what to do.

Mine

Roman loves to build block towers.

Like every other little boy on the planet, he likes to build towers so that, in a moment of utter aggression, he can knock over his masterpiece and watch all the pieces go flying to kingdom come.

The construction/demolition process usually looks something like this:

• "You want to build a tower, Mommy?"



• I agree and we start piecing blocks together...up up up.



• I watch him put together this blue print in his head (or lack there of), selecting just the "right" piece to place in each specific location.



• At some point he usually reminds me that he is an "arch-ta-tec"



• We have some moments where wobbling requires me to anchor the whole thing with my hands so that we can use every.single.block. in the most lop-sided creation in all of history



• He puts the last block on and smiles with great pride



• He runs into the other room giggling and shouting my "line" before I can get it out, "Just don't knock it over!!!"



• A moment passes and he comes dashing back in, so excited and ready to destroy.



• Blocks fall to the floor.

Although, lately, there has been one added step. If, for whatever reason, I am not there to anchor the tower as he builds, it usually ends up toppling a couple of times before he finishes. For example, today I was feeding Judah as he was building and I watched about a third of the tower collapse. He saw it coming. Very frustrated, he shouts "That's MY tower!!"

I have heard him say several times while building in the last week.

"That's MY tower!!"

I am always intrigued wtih the the way that he expresses frustration. Sometimes it creates frustration in me as well. Sometimes it evokes deep compassion. Sometimes it's just plain hilarious.

This time I laughed a little, and I felt bad for him, but mostly...I couldn't help but relate.

Don't we all have this feeling of self-entitlement? I know I do.

It's mine.

We want to be able to place the blame somewhere when things don't go the way that we had planned.

Often, there is no one to blame. It's just that life is frustrating sometimes. The car needs another repair...I don't want to spend waste my money on it. A friend asks for a favor that seems oh-so-inconvenient. I don't want to spend my time on that.

Sometimes it's that we, ourselves, have royally screwed things up. We have arranged our lives in such a way that suddenly, all the "blocks" are about to come crashing down around us. Unwise choices, burned bridges, words we can't take back.

And yet, when things don't play out the way we had planned, we too can be heard crying out in a moment of exasperation:

"It's MY life!"

Except that it's not.

As I recall, we were bought at a price.

In reality, there is no such thing as my job, my family, my possessions. Because it wasn't my work that got me there, my fertility that created life, or my talent that earned me anything.

Now, obviously, people work hard to get good jobs, and partner with God to conceive children, and save wisely to obtain things they need or want.

But none of those things are truly ours to keep. Need an example? Just look at unempolyment rates, a family who has lost a child, and the man begging on the corner.



Plans fail.

We grieve for one who was dearly loved.

Moth and rust destroy.



Sometimes life is ugly. Brutal. Unbearable.

The frustration, the sorrow, the anger build until we scream

"This is not what I had in mind for MY life!"


I have come to see that anything that we are blessed enough to have is on loan to us from God.

And I find rest in knowing the One who paid for evey moment...and has a plan for each event...good or bad.

I have some things I need to surrender - because they aren't mine at all.

They are yours, Lord. And it is all for your glory.