The thing is, it has been an overwhelming couple of months.
And I know that I probably have an overwhelming 18 years or so in front of me. Because there is just always something. Always a new phase, always a child to worry about, a behavior to correct, a heart to shape, a book to read, a scrape that needs a band-aid, a bill that needs to be paid, a decision that needs to be made, dinner to cook, a soccer practice we need to get to...and there is always, always laundry.
This is what the mamas do. They do all of this hard and holy work all day everyday. It's miraculous, really. But it can get pretty overwhelming.
And when I get overwhelmed, I want to hide in my room and come out when life gets easier. But that is not a thing.
SO, I'm making my list. So, that instead of hiding, I can go into my room and take a deep breath, and pray that I become this kind of woman in the midst of the overwhelming. Basically, I'm praying the Lord will help me fake it till I make it.
I will not give up.
I will stay in the pool.
I will depend on God.
I will remember that "my" children belong to the Lord.
I will fight for them not against them.
I will find joy and fulfillment in God alone.
I will enjoy my children.
I will bless my husband.
I will keep my eyes on eternity.
I will speak life.
I will stop to pray.
I will put my phone down.
I will be present.
I will extend grace.
I will not react; I will act purposefully.
I will not hurry.
I will be quick to listen and slow to speak.
I will not have idle hands.
I will remember that holy is hard. And just because it's hard doesn't mean I'm failing.
I will choose joy.
I will let them be little.
I will allow the Holy Spirit to guide me.
I will love, love, love.
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How do you preach to yourself when you're overwhelmed?
5.13.2015
For the Moms
What can we even say about our moms? Who has loved us like they have?
I am so blessed to have a mom who is unwavering in her love for me. I have never doubted it. We are very different people, but I have always known her love for me. I am so grateful. During her last visit, I was watching her play with Silas - this silly card game (if you can even call it that) that Silas made up. She took the time to sit with him and just be silly. She let him direct the "game" and she just went along with it. They sat there for probably a half an hour and he laughed and laughed. It reminded me of my great-grandma Ruth. We could always get her to play something ridiculous with us. It's always the small moments that matter, isn't it? It reminded me I need to slow down. I need to be silly with my kids and not so structured. Thanks, Mom. I love you more than words can say.
Joe's mom asked me to call her "mom" when we got married. I thought it would take some getting used to, but it really didn't. They have always treated me like a daughter (without the "in-law tagged on the end). I am blessed to have another mom who listens, encourages, and loves unconditionally. I will never forget the phone call that brought us to our knees almost three years ago. Cancer. I remember standing in their kitchen when she brought out a brush full of hair and announced "it's starting". I scrubbed that kitchen while she napped like I could somehow scrub the disease away; spilled my tears all over the floor begging God to let her stay. I am so grateful He said yes. So grateful. I love you, Mom. Thanks for raising the best man I know.
My kids are so lucky to have these two beautiful women as their grandmothers.
Which brings me to my gram. We have a pretty special relationship. Not everyone is lucky enough to have close relationships with their grandparents. I was and am so lucky. My grandma always says that when she went to stay with my parents the week I was born, she and I would go for walks out on the farm on those warm August nights. Just the two of us - so Mom and Dad could get some sleep. She says that's when our bond began. Being that my mom raised us by herself after my Dad died, my grandparents helped a lot. We spent nights at their house while my mom traveled for work, they came to tumbling meets and baseball games, took us to practices and made us treats. I have learned so many things from her. My grandma showed me what it means to be a wife who blesses her husband. She always reminds me not to take time with loved ones for granted. I think one of the biggest things I have learned from her is how to be a woman of prayer. My grandma is a very faithful woman. She prays for our family, and for so many others, daily. I have no doubt that those prayers, woven through the years, have made all the difference. God bless matriarchs who pray for their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
I am thankful for these women. I am thankful for my Grandma Bea - who I wish I would have had more time with. We had just kind of figured out our relationship when she was called Home. I love hearing stories about her (a mom of four boys) and imagining what kind of advice she would give me in raising my little boys to be men.
I am thankful for all the other women who have been motherly to me at some point in my life. The ones who have taken the time to invest in relationship with me, who have taught me how to be a better woman and mom to my kids. Teachers, coaches, mentors. Too many to list.
I am thankful for all my friends who are "other mothers" to my kids. These women have helped care for them, have prayed for them, have been examples to them.
I am thankful for my sister-in-law who is an awesome mama to my two nephews. I am so proud of how she advocates for Jack. She has handled a difficult diagnosis with grace and love. She knows the road that lies ahead and she is committed to living in hope for her boys. Amazing.
I am thankful for my kids' godmothers. Chrissy, Mary, Angie, and Suzee, where would we be without you? I am confident that your prayers sustain us on the hard days and inspire the good days. I have no doubt my kids will be closer to the Lord because of you.
On Mother's Day, I am praying for the friends I have that have lost babies or have lost their moms. I am praying for the friends who want to be moms but aren't. I know how special days can seem awful sometimes. I am sorry. I hope you feel how incredibly loved you are today.
And, of course, I am thankful for my four beautiful blessings that call me "Mom". I am not a perfect one. I wish I was better. And I will keep trying. But my prayer to God is always this: "In spite of my failings, let them know Your unfailing love." Roman, Judah, Silas, and Nora, I hope you will always know my love for you even when I fail. And I hope that you will come to know and love the One who will never fail you.
Happy Mother's Day
I am so blessed to have a mom who is unwavering in her love for me. I have never doubted it. We are very different people, but I have always known her love for me. I am so grateful. During her last visit, I was watching her play with Silas - this silly card game (if you can even call it that) that Silas made up. She took the time to sit with him and just be silly. She let him direct the "game" and she just went along with it. They sat there for probably a half an hour and he laughed and laughed. It reminded me of my great-grandma Ruth. We could always get her to play something ridiculous with us. It's always the small moments that matter, isn't it? It reminded me I need to slow down. I need to be silly with my kids and not so structured. Thanks, Mom. I love you more than words can say.
Joe's mom asked me to call her "mom" when we got married. I thought it would take some getting used to, but it really didn't. They have always treated me like a daughter (without the "in-law tagged on the end). I am blessed to have another mom who listens, encourages, and loves unconditionally. I will never forget the phone call that brought us to our knees almost three years ago. Cancer. I remember standing in their kitchen when she brought out a brush full of hair and announced "it's starting". I scrubbed that kitchen while she napped like I could somehow scrub the disease away; spilled my tears all over the floor begging God to let her stay. I am so grateful He said yes. So grateful. I love you, Mom. Thanks for raising the best man I know.
My kids are so lucky to have these two beautiful women as their grandmothers.
Which brings me to my gram. We have a pretty special relationship. Not everyone is lucky enough to have close relationships with their grandparents. I was and am so lucky. My grandma always says that when she went to stay with my parents the week I was born, she and I would go for walks out on the farm on those warm August nights. Just the two of us - so Mom and Dad could get some sleep. She says that's when our bond began. Being that my mom raised us by herself after my Dad died, my grandparents helped a lot. We spent nights at their house while my mom traveled for work, they came to tumbling meets and baseball games, took us to practices and made us treats. I have learned so many things from her. My grandma showed me what it means to be a wife who blesses her husband. She always reminds me not to take time with loved ones for granted. I think one of the biggest things I have learned from her is how to be a woman of prayer. My grandma is a very faithful woman. She prays for our family, and for so many others, daily. I have no doubt that those prayers, woven through the years, have made all the difference. God bless matriarchs who pray for their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
I am thankful for these women. I am thankful for my Grandma Bea - who I wish I would have had more time with. We had just kind of figured out our relationship when she was called Home. I love hearing stories about her (a mom of four boys) and imagining what kind of advice she would give me in raising my little boys to be men.
I am thankful for all the other women who have been motherly to me at some point in my life. The ones who have taken the time to invest in relationship with me, who have taught me how to be a better woman and mom to my kids. Teachers, coaches, mentors. Too many to list.
I am thankful for all my friends who are "other mothers" to my kids. These women have helped care for them, have prayed for them, have been examples to them.
I am thankful for my sister-in-law who is an awesome mama to my two nephews. I am so proud of how she advocates for Jack. She has handled a difficult diagnosis with grace and love. She knows the road that lies ahead and she is committed to living in hope for her boys. Amazing.
I am thankful for my kids' godmothers. Chrissy, Mary, Angie, and Suzee, where would we be without you? I am confident that your prayers sustain us on the hard days and inspire the good days. I have no doubt my kids will be closer to the Lord because of you.
On Mother's Day, I am praying for the friends I have that have lost babies or have lost their moms. I am praying for the friends who want to be moms but aren't. I know how special days can seem awful sometimes. I am sorry. I hope you feel how incredibly loved you are today.
And, of course, I am thankful for my four beautiful blessings that call me "Mom". I am not a perfect one. I wish I was better. And I will keep trying. But my prayer to God is always this: "In spite of my failings, let them know Your unfailing love." Roman, Judah, Silas, and Nora, I hope you will always know my love for you even when I fail. And I hope that you will come to know and love the One who will never fail you.
Happy Mother's Day
4.13.2015
Welp, it's me again.
Nothing like a five month hiatus to prove that I am not on my A game.
:)
So, here's the deal. When the kids do something adorable/hilarious/precious/horrible enough to make me cry but ridiculous enough to make someone else laugh, I make a little note of it in my phone in the handy dandy Notes app.
Which is all well and good until you get a new phone. Don't worry, I didn't lose them, they are just saved to an external hard drive which I currently cannot locate. See what I mean with the A game?
I'll give you what I've got off the top of my head and I'll post the other gems probably about a year from now.
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Nora is now seven months old. What? You thought she was an infant? Yes, yes she was the last time you read this blog. She is crawling, pulling herself up to a stand, says "dada", has two teeth, and can wave. And sometimes I think she can also clap. I'm not sure if it's on purpose, though. She continues to be the sweetest baby. Her fuzzy little baby head just makes me swoon.
Her brothers make her laugh all day long. Mostly by running towards her and yelling at the top of their lungs. This baby is afraid of nothing. She will sleep right through drumming and loud music of any kind.
And I'll tell ya what. Girl can eat. She likes her food and she prefers it NOW. As soon we started feeding her solids, she became the LOUDEST child. If we are eating and she is not in her high chair...well, she's not havin that. She doesn't even cry. She just yells at you. And she likes every food that we have ever given her. Please, God, let her stay not picky.
Speaking of food, wanna know how to tell you're the fourth child? You have been introduced the following foods - in this order: avocado, pineapple, raspberries, FRENCH FRIES, blueberries, mashed potatoes, mango, broccoli, banana, applesauce, etc.
Do you see anything wrong with this picture? If so, you obviously don't have four children.
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Silas David is ridiculous as all get out. He is the cutest, happiest boy until he is the most deviant. He currently specializes in flooding the bathroom, covering his body in band-aids, and writing on walls (I have several large smiley face murals in my basement - I'm just going to leave them there until we repaint).
But I wish I could describe the cute. He is so cuddly and so excited about everything in life. Especially helping in the kitchen.
He says really funny things right now. For example, he gets the words "mango" and "flamingo" confused. I.e. "Feed Nora some flamango".
He always has a skip in his step and he is kind of on the short side for his age so everything he does is just CUTE.
The other night he asked me to lay with him at bedtime and so I did. As we were chatting casually he said "Mom, I sat on Jesus' lap!"
"You did?" I asked.
"Yeah".
silence for a while
"Well, did you talk to God?"
"Yeah, Jesus asked me about my favorite animal", he said, "And Heaven is like music".
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Judah, my Judah-boy. He has a loose tooth in the front that is coming out any day now. I can't believe he will be six in a couple of months. Judah has gotten quite a bit more talkative over the last few months. And I just love hearing about what's going on in that little brain of his.
My favorite times with Judah are, surprisingly, when he comes out of his room in the evening after the other boys have fallen asleep. He usually just wants some extra cuddle time and, being an introvert, he needs more one-on-one time than the other boys do. So, unless we have to be somewhere early the next day, I usually indulge and get some sleepy time conversation in. He is our animal lover and always tells us he would like to own ten dogs and ten cats. The other night he told us he wanted to get a dog and name it "Scoober". He went on and on about the sizes and colors all of his animals would be - he also told us he wanted to name one of his cats "Tinny".
He is starting to tell me more about his dreams - most recently that he could jump on top of the house without using a ladder.
He is a very loyal child. He will fight all day with Silas but if he feels that I am "wrongly" angry with Silas he will tell me "Be nice to my brother!"
He is always the first to say he wants to protect me from something.
Judah has always been a child who likes physical affection but he plays hard to get. He will go in for a side hug if it's someone he really likes. He will hardly ever be the first to initiate it, and he very rarely gives a full-on hug. Same with affectionate words. I say "I love you, Judah" and he says "yes" or "I know". (If you have seen the recent Peabody and Sherman movie, think about how Mr. Peabody responds to Sherman's "I love you"....he says "I have a deep regard for you as well, Sherman".) I sometimes tease him and say "Do you love me, too, Judah? Girls like to hear it when they are loved!" And finally he will laugh and say "Yes, I love you". But, he has started saying it more often un-prompted, which is a sweet sound to a mama's ears. :)
In other news, he is getting so good at writing letters and numbers. I am proud of that boy.
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Roman James is growing up. I mean, this kid receives his First Communion in just two weeks. I feel like we were just baptizing him. He is excited and ready. He loves Jesus and he got a suit. And let me tell you, both of those things are a big deal to him. He's going to be one spiffy looking dude.
Roman is still the friendliest guy you'll ever meet. He remembers everyone's name and every detail of most days of his life. We will talk about a random event sometimes and he'll remember things about the day that everyone else has long forgotten. For example, the other day we were talking about when Joe had to get stitches in his thumb a couple years ago. Roman said "yeah, and then we went to the Kems for pizza"....uh, sure.
He is a great reader, he's very good at spelling, and he is super creative. He is always making something out of recycled materials (or shall we say "materials I tried to put in the recycling bin" :)) He really likes to make swords and shields out of cardboard. He used a round cooler and a bungee cord to make a bass drum he could wear today.
Speaking of drums - he is quite the little drummer boy. He has some good rhythm and there is nothing he loves more than listening to music or talking about music.
He seems to be trying to decide if he is going to be in a band or be an actor when he grows up.
Roman is super helpful around the house and is cheerful and encouraging most of the time. He is a joy to have around!
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To wrap up, I just have to share some awesome videos. Joe's sister, Angie, introduced us to the funniest app. We have had so many good laughs with this. Check out Dubsmash in the app store if you need some entertainment!
11.02.2014
Alright, boys, it's your turn!
Nora has been the talk of the town lately, but I wanted to make sure I got some of these cute little stories about the boys on the blog before I forget them. Because I will. Today when I was writing thank-you notes for baby gifts I started realizing that I I'm pretty sure I sent two thank yous to a couple of people. So, if you get two or zero thank-you notes from me, I apologize.
Anyway.
First, a few of the adorable things we have overheard them saying about their little sister.
Roman:
"Having a baby is such a miracle."
Judah:
"Who's my sweetest girly?"
Silas:
"Nora's my buddy."
"I love my baby."
He is also a very good little helper when it comes to Nora. One day when she was fussing, he went running into the other room and yelled "I'm gonna get Nora's binky! I'm gonna protect my sister!"
If Nora is crying, Silas will come to me and say "Will you please feed Nora?"
And now for the funnies:
Roman:
Anyway.
First, a few of the adorable things we have overheard them saying about their little sister.
Roman:
"Having a baby is such a miracle."
Judah:
"Who's my sweetest girly?"
Silas:
"Nora's my buddy."
"I love my baby."
He is also a very good little helper when it comes to Nora. One day when she was fussing, he went running into the other room and yelled "I'm gonna get Nora's binky! I'm gonna protect my sister!"
If Nora is crying, Silas will come to me and say "Will you please feed Nora?"
And now for the funnies:
Roman:
- A couple of weeks after Nora was born, Roman told me "Mom, I think Nora's twin is still in your tummy." ... Why, thank you, son.
- Roman just recently learned to tie his shoes. I know, we're a little late on the shoe tying and it's totally my fault. But, one day when he was practicing he was getting quite frustrated and finally exploded: "I'm never going to be able to tie my shoes until I'm 40!" You guys, I laughed until I cried. I promised him that it would not take him that long to learn. The beautiful irony is that he finally got it...later that same day.
- he is really into running. I have actually been making him run laps around the house between school subjects and we both enjoy that. :) We have been on a run/walk together a couple of times since Nora's birth - I'm hoping that will be good motivation for me to get back into a workout routine.
- he loves playing war. What was I thinking? I forgot that it is a never-ending game.
- he has been full of funnies lately! Many of which are rather graphic, so I'll just tell you that we have had many conversations about boys and girls and anatomy.
- When Tony came to visit for the first time after Nora's birth, he got here really late at night. The boys ran down to wake him up in the morning and starting telling him "you have to come see Nora!" Tony asked them "Who is Nora?" He was expecting them to respond "She's my sister." Or "She was just born". He said all Judah could come up with was "He's a girl."
- Somewhere along the line, I made the mistake of telling the boys that "If you do that (I don't remember what THAT was...there are so many options), you could die". So, now every time I ask Judah not to do something dangerous he asks "Will that make me died?"
- I also sometimes tell them that certain things are not just my rules, but God's rules. So, he has gotten into the habit of questioning me. About everything. For example, I will say "Judah, go brush your teeth." He will respond "Did God say to do that?"
- Since Nora's birth, Judah has kind of been acting like a teenager. We hear a lot of responses like this: "I never get to do that!" or "I need some space!" or "you're making me angry!"
- The funniest/not funniest angry outburst came one day when we were leaving the park. He didn't want to leave. I told him to do the monkey bars one more time and then we would leave. He said no. Then we got to the car and he said "I want to do the monkey bars one more time". When I told him that ship had sailed he got even more upset with me. We stood by the van going back and forth for a while. I'll tell ya. That kid has some endurance. He is relentless. I'm sure this will come in handy for many things in his life. For now, it's forcing me to grow in virtue (or fail at growing in virtue, depending on the day). Anyway, I eventually came to the point where I said "Judah, if you don't get in the car, I will have to take your Larry Boy costume away". He yelled back at me "BUT THEN I WOULD BE NAKED!" Oh my. I obviously didn't mean I was going to take it off of his body at that exact moment, but it made for a good laugh in the midst of the frustration.
- One day the boys were playing hide-and-seek while I was nursing Nora. Judah was having a hard time finding Roman. He finally came up to me and said "Do you think Roman is dead?'
- For our family prayer time, each person gets a chance to pray spontaneously and then we all say the Lord's Prayer together at the end. These are always really sweet. I'm always impressed with the people and things they pray for. At the end of the Lord's prayer one night, Judah started asking about what some of the words mean. "What does evil mean?" "What does temptation mean?' And then he asked "What does bread mean?" He meant it in reference to "Give us this day our daily bread". So, I started explaining that this is when we ask God for the things that we need. I told them that God is our father and he wants to provide for us. He wants to give us good things. And so we ask him for the things we need. We ask him to give us enough. Judah thought about that for a while and then he said "But sometimes we eat macaroni and donuts."
- is so proud of Nora. Everywhere we go - grocery store, park, target - he will announce (to every stranger we see "We have a baby sister! Her name is Nora" and then he will ask "Do you wanna hold her?" Uh, no thank you, Silas. Awkward.
- One day I overheard Silas telling Nora "Nora, Father Jeff is going to come baptize you. And it's not gonna hurt. It's gonna feel good."
- he is currently very concerned about raccoons. We can be in the middle of the city, but if it's dark out he will be in a panic to get to the car. "We gotta hurry so we don't get 'tacked by raccoons!"
- Things that the word "trigger" is the word "sugar". He will bring me a Nerf gun and say "Can you pull the sugar for me?"
10.09.2014
Nora's NICU stay
When I wrote out Nora's birth story, I mentioned that we had a longer hospital stay than we had anticipated. This is the "after birth" story, if you will.
I will start by saying that when Nora was born she took a while to make any sound. An uncomfortable while. My boys mostly came out screaming so I was anxious to hear something from her. No one was freaking out but everyone in the room felt a little bit of urgency. The doctor placed her on my chest and started rubbing her. The nurses and Joe and I were all talking to her saying things like "Let me hear you, Nora." "Give us a cry, little girl". They suctioned her out and after that little while, she did cry and everything kind of proceeded normally. We had about an hour of mama/baby bonding, she had a bath, I had a shower, and we moved to a postpartum recovery room, as is the procedure at our hospital.
All my babies have sounded kind of "snorty" after birth. I don't know if it's the shape of their noses or what but they all tend to sound like little piglets for a while. Nora was sounding that way and no one seemed concerned. I certainly wasn't.
But after we got to our recovery room at about 3 AM, they took her temp and found it to be a little lower than they wanted. So, the NICU staff came down, put her on a warmer and got her temp back up. They bundled her up, brought her back to me, and we all went to sleep.
We woke up the next morning and had our breakfast, nursed, got checked out by nurses, etc. The usual. Except that around 8:30 that morning I started noticing a little bit of wheezing with each breath. When my nurse came back in, she noticed it also. We unwrapped her swaddle to take her temperature again, when we noticed that her chest was retracting pretty hard with each breath. That was when I started to feel worried. My nurse called the NICU nurses to take a look and they decided to take her up to the NICU for a more thorough exam.
At this point, no one was too worked up. There wasn't any talk of admitting her to the NICU, they were just going to do an exam. So, they told me to take a shower, finish eating breakfast and then head up. So I did. But I sent Joe with Nora up to the NICU.
I was taking my time, but when I walked into her room in the NICU, she was under an oxyhood and everyone was a little more somber.
They explained that the oxyhood was actually not providing her with oxygen, it was just humidified air. But there she was...laying on the warming table with her little chest retracting so hard. She was just working so hard at breathing. I cried at the sight of her like this because it was not at all what I expected when I walked into the room. The nurses said that they weren't sure what was going on; that they were just going to observe her for a while and they would see what the doctor said during rounds. The on-call doctor came to make rounds about an hour later. She said the same - that mostly what we needed to do for the moment was observe. But she also said Nora may have just had some nasal swelling from the suctioning right after birth and maybe it would be something that would kind of turn itself around. So, that was the verdict. Wait and observe. Leave her under the oxyhood, taking her out only when it was time to nurse.
This was hard for us. We wanted to hold her. Joe stayed like this for the rest of the day. I was so thankful that he was committed to touching her and talking to her. He played her our "Nora" playlist (that we had listened to during labor and delivery). It takes a lot for Joe to get emotional, but this was a lot for him.
Around lunchtime the nurses suggested that I go back downstairs to eat and rest. (There is no food allowed in the NICU). They assured me that they would call my room when she was ready to nurse again. I cried again when I left her.
As we were eating lunch the NICU called to say that Nora's blood sugar had dropped and so they had started an IV. We hurried back upstairs because, although I wanted them to do whatever she needed, it seemed strange that all of that happened so quickly and we weren't there.
I kept telling myself that there were lots of other babies in the NICU that were in much more serious situations. But this was still new territory for us. This was still unexpected. And no one wants anything to happen to their baby.
The rest of that day was spent "observing". While I was taking a nap that afternoon, they decided to put a tube down her nose and make sure there was no extra air in her stomach that might be hindering her lungs from expanding all the way. Joe hated this. Hated it. He couldn't handle watching them place the tube and he was very unsettled about it the whole day.
At some point in the afternoon they switched nurses (not at the normal shift change at 7pm). The new nurse (Karen) started explaining all the things I needed to know about staying in the NICU. That was when I knew for sure that they were admitting us. She told me about all the machines that Nora was hooked up to. We learned about what numbers the doctors wanted to see when monitoring heart rate, respiratory rate, and oxygen saturation. She told us all kinds of things about long-term NICU stay. It was overwhelming.
Joe went home to eat dinner and with the boys and help my mom put them to bed. I ate dinner down in my room and came back with my Bible. Karen was getting ready to leave at the 7pm shift change. But when I walked in she said "reading your Bible?"
"yes", I responded.
"It's a good thing to read", she said.
After she briefed the new nurse she same back in and whispered "Would you like to pray with me?"
"yes", I said, through a sob.
She smiled. "Just let me close the door."
So we laid hands on Nora and whispered prayers for healing over her tiny little body, still struggling to breathe.
This is the most amazing thing, you guys. God is everywhere. Everywhere. He shows up in places where you least expect him. He breaks the rules. He is relentless. That nurse was Jesus to me in that hospital room. She blessed me more than I can say. Thank God for good nurses. And thank you, God, for never letting us go.
I continued to pray a lot of verses over Nora the whole time we were there, but these are what I kept coming back to. God was really speaking to me in Psalm 62:6-9
Thursday afternoon, the on-call doctor ordered a chest x-ray and a stomach x-ray. Both of those looked normal so we could rule out any lung disease.
My dear friend, Kim, came to see us that night which was such a relief to my worried heart. She is a NICU nurse at a different hospital and it was so helpful to just have her presence and her wisdom. We got her opinion on what we should be asking doctors and nurses about, and just got to have someone who was used to this kind of environment give us a little encouragement.
That evening we started noticing that Nora actually struggled LESS when Joe and I were holding her. And that she was breathing fine while nursing. Both things that were unexpected. Our nurse was wise and noticed the same things. She allowed us to hold her for a long time that night, which was good for this mama's heart.
By the end of that night (Thursday), we were feeling really frustrated that we were pretty much in the same place that we were that morning. We wanted there to be a plan. She wasn't making any progress and we still had no idea why she was struggling to breathe.
At her 11PM feeding, I accidentally pulled Nora's tube out of her nose. There were a lot of cords to work around while nursing. When it came out, Joe told them he did not want them to put it back in unless it was absolutely necessary. The nurse said she would leave it out unless/until the doctor said something.
Joe ended up staying the night on the pull out bed in the NICU room and I slept downstairs in my recovery room. But I came up every three hours to nurse. When I came up for a feeding at 5 AM, the nurse said "look how much better she is doing!" And she really was. She did not look nearly as labored by breathing.
Look at this sweet little face. We were really expecting the doctors to make rounds and be much more optimistic on Friday morning. But, the thing about the NICU is that different doctors are on call each day and you always have multiple doctors working together. Which is good - more ideas working together is good. But it's also kind of hard. You have some doctors who are very optimistic and some who are not. The doctor we saw on Friday was not. She said she was glad to see the breathing getting better, that it probably was just swelling from suctioning, but we still had a blood sugar issue to deal with.
So, we started this regimen of: weighing Nora, nursing her, weighing her again to see how much colostrum she was getting, pumping, feeding Nora what I had pumped from the previous feeding, and supplementing with formula. Oh, and we also had to take her temp at every feeding, weigh her dirty diapers, and she had to have her heel pricked before each feeding to check blood sugar.
My mom stayed with us for a while Saturday, also. Again, so nice to have her company.
When they the boys (and later my mom) left that day, we were still thinking that Nora and I would be there a few days. The boys really wanted us to come home with them so that was hard to not have a set time we knew we would be discharged.
However, when Sunday morning rolled around, we got this really awesome new doctor. :) Much more optimistic! We had already gotten the go-ahead to take Nora off the IV since her blood sugar numbers had been increasing during the night.
When the doctors made rounds one of the residents (who had been there Saturday, also) gave everyone the briefing on all of Nora's stats and said that her opinion was that now, our goal should be allowing Nora to be a "normal" newborn. Her recommendation was that we stay one more night for observation. The new doctor responded "why? I don't think there's any reason we can't talk about sending her home today".
He looked at me and said "what do you think?"
I told him that I felt like she was acting like a "normal" baby and that I was comfortable with where we were at. I told him that, especially since my milk was starting to come in, I was sure she would only keep improving on feeding and blood sugar.
"Yeah", he responded, "30mL is a lot to feed a newborn".
THANK YOU, doctor! That's what I said!
So, after a car seat test and a few more hours to get everything unhooked, process paper work, etc. I put this pretty little girl in a cute outfit and our boys came to pick us up. We were so relieved to be home!
Thank you all SO much for your prayers. We could feel them and we are so grateful that she is doing well.
Since she had the low blood sugar issue, we had weight checks every few days for the first two weeks. But when she was above her birth weight at her two week appointment we were back to regular well child visits.
Praise God!!
I will start by saying that when Nora was born she took a while to make any sound. An uncomfortable while. My boys mostly came out screaming so I was anxious to hear something from her. No one was freaking out but everyone in the room felt a little bit of urgency. The doctor placed her on my chest and started rubbing her. The nurses and Joe and I were all talking to her saying things like "Let me hear you, Nora." "Give us a cry, little girl". They suctioned her out and after that little while, she did cry and everything kind of proceeded normally. We had about an hour of mama/baby bonding, she had a bath, I had a shower, and we moved to a postpartum recovery room, as is the procedure at our hospital.
All my babies have sounded kind of "snorty" after birth. I don't know if it's the shape of their noses or what but they all tend to sound like little piglets for a while. Nora was sounding that way and no one seemed concerned. I certainly wasn't.
But after we got to our recovery room at about 3 AM, they took her temp and found it to be a little lower than they wanted. So, the NICU staff came down, put her on a warmer and got her temp back up. They bundled her up, brought her back to me, and we all went to sleep.
We woke up the next morning and had our breakfast, nursed, got checked out by nurses, etc. The usual. Except that around 8:30 that morning I started noticing a little bit of wheezing with each breath. When my nurse came back in, she noticed it also. We unwrapped her swaddle to take her temperature again, when we noticed that her chest was retracting pretty hard with each breath. That was when I started to feel worried. My nurse called the NICU nurses to take a look and they decided to take her up to the NICU for a more thorough exam.
At this point, no one was too worked up. There wasn't any talk of admitting her to the NICU, they were just going to do an exam. So, they told me to take a shower, finish eating breakfast and then head up. So I did. But I sent Joe with Nora up to the NICU.
I was taking my time, but when I walked into her room in the NICU, she was under an oxyhood and everyone was a little more somber.
This was hard for us. We wanted to hold her. Joe stayed like this for the rest of the day. I was so thankful that he was committed to touching her and talking to her. He played her our "Nora" playlist (that we had listened to during labor and delivery). It takes a lot for Joe to get emotional, but this was a lot for him.
Around lunchtime the nurses suggested that I go back downstairs to eat and rest. (There is no food allowed in the NICU). They assured me that they would call my room when she was ready to nurse again. I cried again when I left her.
As we were eating lunch the NICU called to say that Nora's blood sugar had dropped and so they had started an IV. We hurried back upstairs because, although I wanted them to do whatever she needed, it seemed strange that all of that happened so quickly and we weren't there.
I kept telling myself that there were lots of other babies in the NICU that were in much more serious situations. But this was still new territory for us. This was still unexpected. And no one wants anything to happen to their baby.
The rest of that day was spent "observing". While I was taking a nap that afternoon, they decided to put a tube down her nose and make sure there was no extra air in her stomach that might be hindering her lungs from expanding all the way. Joe hated this. Hated it. He couldn't handle watching them place the tube and he was very unsettled about it the whole day.
At some point in the afternoon they switched nurses (not at the normal shift change at 7pm). The new nurse (Karen) started explaining all the things I needed to know about staying in the NICU. That was when I knew for sure that they were admitting us. She told me about all the machines that Nora was hooked up to. We learned about what numbers the doctors wanted to see when monitoring heart rate, respiratory rate, and oxygen saturation. She told us all kinds of things about long-term NICU stay. It was overwhelming.
Joe went home to eat dinner and with the boys and help my mom put them to bed. I ate dinner down in my room and came back with my Bible. Karen was getting ready to leave at the 7pm shift change. But when I walked in she said "reading your Bible?"
"yes", I responded.
"It's a good thing to read", she said.
After she briefed the new nurse she same back in and whispered "Would you like to pray with me?"
"yes", I said, through a sob.
She smiled. "Just let me close the door."
So we laid hands on Nora and whispered prayers for healing over her tiny little body, still struggling to breathe.
This is the most amazing thing, you guys. God is everywhere. Everywhere. He shows up in places where you least expect him. He breaks the rules. He is relentless. That nurse was Jesus to me in that hospital room. She blessed me more than I can say. Thank God for good nurses. And thank you, God, for never letting us go.
I continued to pray a lot of verses over Nora the whole time we were there, but these are what I kept coming back to. God was really speaking to me in Psalm 62:6-9
"My soul be at rest in God alone, from whom comes my hope.
God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height, I shall not fall.
My safety and glory are with God, my strong rock and refuge.
Trust God at all times, my people!
Pour out your hearts to God our refuge!"
Thursday afternoon, the on-call doctor ordered a chest x-ray and a stomach x-ray. Both of those looked normal so we could rule out any lung disease.
My dear friend, Kim, came to see us that night which was such a relief to my worried heart. She is a NICU nurse at a different hospital and it was so helpful to just have her presence and her wisdom. We got her opinion on what we should be asking doctors and nurses about, and just got to have someone who was used to this kind of environment give us a little encouragement.
That evening we started noticing that Nora actually struggled LESS when Joe and I were holding her. And that she was breathing fine while nursing. Both things that were unexpected. Our nurse was wise and noticed the same things. She allowed us to hold her for a long time that night, which was good for this mama's heart.
By the end of that night (Thursday), we were feeling really frustrated that we were pretty much in the same place that we were that morning. We wanted there to be a plan. She wasn't making any progress and we still had no idea why she was struggling to breathe.
At her 11PM feeding, I accidentally pulled Nora's tube out of her nose. There were a lot of cords to work around while nursing. When it came out, Joe told them he did not want them to put it back in unless it was absolutely necessary. The nurse said she would leave it out unless/until the doctor said something.
Joe ended up staying the night on the pull out bed in the NICU room and I slept downstairs in my recovery room. But I came up every three hours to nurse. When I came up for a feeding at 5 AM, the nurse said "look how much better she is doing!" And she really was. She did not look nearly as labored by breathing.
When babies aren't breathing well, a lot of other issues seem to spiral out of control. Like the low temperatures and the low blood sugar numbers. Remember, Nora was on an IV so we had to start weaning her off of that. So, the on-call doctor told me that, in order to do that, she would need to eat 30mL at each feeding. I was very overwhelmed with that number because, as a mom who had nursed three newborns, I know that nursing babies are getting drops of colostrum for the first few days. 30mL is a lot to ask, so obviously I would have to supplement with formula.
These pictures were taken a few days after we got home, but you can still see her little owies from the blood sugar checks.
So, Friday that is pretty much all we did. My mom came up Friday afternoon and cuddled Nora and kept me company. She would give her a bottle while I pumped. Nora always took the most formula from Grandma. :) It was so nice to have her there.
Friday I was discharged. So, after my dinner Friday night, I was no longer a patient, but I was not going to leave Nora. So, I packed up my things and moved up the pull-out couch in the NICU room. Not so comfy. Especially when you're still recovering from giving birth.
Saturday was more of the same - it was exhausting keeping up with the feeding and pumping and supplementing. It left very little time for rest after washing all the bottles, storing and labeling what I had pumped, and getting everything reset for the next round. The same doctor from Friday was on-call again. During morning rounds she kept talking about how a baby on day 4 of life should have no problem taking in 30mL at each feeding. That is still way more than a nursing baby would usually get, and I kept reminding her that Nora was born at 11:30pm, so what she was referring to as "day 1 of life" was actually only 30 minutes. She did not appreciate this reminder.
Saturday was the day that the boys came to see their sister for the first time. You can see the videos in the previous post. It was sooo good for me to see them. I was missing them so much and was worried that they would be worried. I went to meet them in the lobby on the NICU floor. When they came out of the elevator they ran to me and hugged me and made a big scene and I loved every minute of it. More tears. The woman at the desk commented on how nice it was to see that the kids had missed mom. :)
Nora was still hooked up to all the monitors when they saw her but we just bundled her up so the cords were coming out of the bottom of her swaddle. They asked a couple of questions but they didn't seem concerned.
When they the boys (and later my mom) left that day, we were still thinking that Nora and I would be there a few days. The boys really wanted us to come home with them so that was hard to not have a set time we knew we would be discharged.
However, when Sunday morning rolled around, we got this really awesome new doctor. :) Much more optimistic! We had already gotten the go-ahead to take Nora off the IV since her blood sugar numbers had been increasing during the night.
When the doctors made rounds one of the residents (who had been there Saturday, also) gave everyone the briefing on all of Nora's stats and said that her opinion was that now, our goal should be allowing Nora to be a "normal" newborn. Her recommendation was that we stay one more night for observation. The new doctor responded "why? I don't think there's any reason we can't talk about sending her home today".
He looked at me and said "what do you think?"
I told him that I felt like she was acting like a "normal" baby and that I was comfortable with where we were at. I told him that, especially since my milk was starting to come in, I was sure she would only keep improving on feeding and blood sugar.
"Yeah", he responded, "30mL is a lot to feed a newborn".
THANK YOU, doctor! That's what I said!
So, after a car seat test and a few more hours to get everything unhooked, process paper work, etc. I put this pretty little girl in a cute outfit and our boys came to pick us up. We were so relieved to be home!
Thank you all SO much for your prayers. We could feel them and we are so grateful that she is doing well.
Since she had the low blood sugar issue, we had weight checks every few days for the first two weeks. But when she was above her birth weight at her two week appointment we were back to regular well child visits.
Praise God!!
10.01.2014
Birth Story in Pictures
It probably would have been nicer to put these into my last post (Wouldn't that be fancy?! Words AND pictures?!) but I just can't ever quite get my act together enough to do things the "nicer" way. :)
SO here are some of the photos of our girl's birthday.
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6 lb 11 oz, 19 in long
SO here are some of the photos of our girl's birthday.
Ready for induction
Aug 20
11:30 pm
so much brown hair!
Also, sorry, Nora! We videotaped all the boys' births (G rated, don't worry) but you came so quickly we didn't get the camera on. Remember, there were only about 10 minutes between 7cm and ready to push.
BUT, we did get some VERY sweet videos of your brothers meeting you for the first time. Here are some of our favorite moments:
...and two videos of Silas because there was just so much cuteness:
9.17.2014
The Story of Nora Magdalene
In December of 2013, we were so happy to learn that I was pregnant with our fourth child. Although we had been trying for a couple of months, I thought that it was unlikely that I would be pregnant this time around. BUT, lo and behold, a positive pregnancy test! What a gift.
We got to tell my family in person when we went back to Iowa for Christmas and we told Joe's family via Skype since we weren't going to be making a trip to South Carolina.
We were planning to wait until the second trimester to tell the boys, but one snowy night when we were all cuddled up and reading by the fireplace, Joe just couldn't hold it in any longer. :) Love him.
Roman was VERY excited, per his usual, and Judah and Silas were mildly excited for a brief moment and then they wanted me to finish reading their story.
Although there were a few little things that were different about this pregnancy, we assumed we were having another boy. That's all we knew. All three of my previous pregnancies have had little things that made them each unique, and so we had planned to name this baby Ezra. We didn't actually start calling the baby by that name, but it's the only name we had even considered.
We went to my 20 week ultrasound and after an hour in the room, with a very laid back baby (who was not willing to turn over) I thought maybe we weren't going to get to find out the gender. The ultrasound tech had already moved my chair up and down and had me roll over on each side and given me juice and sent me for a walk just trying to see all of baby's organs. Finally the tech said "well, as soon as I can see the rest of the heart, we will be done."
"ok", I replied. "and do you think we will even be able to see gender today?"
"Well", he said "I think I know, but I want to check again".
Joe and I exchanged glances. "well, we think we know, too", we told him. "We have three boys so we are just assuming this will be another boy"
Then he said "Actually, I think this is looking kind of girly".
Kind of girly. That's not exactly the definitive statement I was looking for. Joe and I looked at each other in disbelief. Not disbelief as in "shock". Disbelief as in "he might be wrong...'Kind of girly' is not super convincing".
The ultrasound tech finished up and said he would send a doctor in to look at a couple of things and we could ask for his second opinion on gender.
When he left the room Joe and I both couldn't stop smiling about the thought of a girl but we kept saying things like "we shouldn't get our hopes up for a girl" or "I don't want to think it's a girl and then have the dr. come in and say 'boy'", etc.
Obviously we would be so excited to have another boy. That's what we had been thinking/"planning on" before we came into this room, but what a tease to even hear the word "girl"!
The dr. came in, checked on the size of baby's stomach (the tech seemed to think it looked a litlte small - it ended up being fine), and then asked if we had any other questions.
We said "Well, if we could get a more definitive statement on gender that would be awesome. The tech was a little hesitant to say for sure".
The dr. scans around and says "Ok, here are two legs and bottom. This is where we would see a penis. But we see these three lines instead. This is a baby girl".
I held in the tears until he was out of the room but then they didn't stop for a couple of hours. We made lots of happy phone calls to people who were just as shocked and thrilled as we were. Fun, fun times.
Thus began my obsession with all things pink and feminine. Hair bows! Ruffly socks! (Don't worry, Joe, I'm sure I'll cool it...around the time she graduates from high school). Occasionally I would think that I had become a bit more calm and collected about all the girl stuff and then I would remember. Baby dolls! Braids! Tea parties! And I would melt all over again.
I LOVE love love being a mom of boys. But, man, I am pretty excited about this girl.
Also, it took me all of about 10 minutes to start on the girl name convo. Joe and I had never agreed on a girl name. We never had to. Of course we had discussed them casually. Joe loved the name Alaina for a long time. I never really had any that I felt were THE ONE.
WELL, Joe's mom told us one day that Joe's aunt (who has three boys) had always wanted to use the name Nora if they ever had a girl. Joe immediately said "I love that name". I agreed that it was a beautiful name but didn't think much more of it. In fact, some of our dear friends have a daughter named Nora, and so I didn't think we would really discuss it seriously.
I kept trying to come up with a unique biblical name since that was the criteria we used for all of our boys. Some of my ideas: Magdalene, Selah, Talitha, Lydia. Joe was not a fan of any of these. In fact, he kept coming back to Nora every time we had this talk. I liked the sound of the name but it's not Biblical and it has become more common in the last couple of years so I kept dismissing it. One day we started talking about using a family name as a first name and a Biblical name as a middle name. (The boys all have family middle names, so maybe for our girl we could flip flop it). I started throwing out some family names. Joe's grandmas are Vivian and Maysie. Both beautiful.. I really like the sound of Maysie. My grandmas are Alma and Beatrice. Not a huge fan of using either of those. But then I offered that my grandma Alma's middle name is Lenore. Joe said "well, we could use Nora as kind of spin off of Lenore to honor your grandma."
Hmmm. I liked the idea, but I was still hanging onto Magdalene as my favorite. (You know Mary Magdalene was at the cross and she was the first to see the resurrected Jesus. In fact, she was the one to announce his resurrection to the rest of the apostles. Kind of awesome).
One night just a few weeks before my due date, Joe asked if I was 100 percent for Magdalene. I said that I loved the name but my only hesitation was that she would probably be called Maggie. Which I wouldn't mind so much if it weren't my mom's dog's name. Ahem.
I asked him if he was still 100 percent for Nora. He responded yes. He had been steadily in support of Nora for months (and had been manipulating the children into calling her Nora). I asked him to explain why he loved it so much. He started getting all sappy about it. No, about her. He said "I just picture this cutest litlte baby girl and her name is Nora. That's just her name. It's how I think of her."
This girl has been so loved by her daddy and her brothers. They are just smitten. And have been since they have known she was a girl. It's so fitting that she be named by them. How could I not want that for her? And so her name was decided that night. Nora Magdalene.
Fast forward a few months and I am getting larger, more tired, and more uncomfortable by the day. That means it's time to have a baby, folks. Except that I didn't.
Joe's famliy arrived on Aug 2 to spend a couple of weeks with us and to meet their first granddaugher. Everyone had to be back home/at work by Aug 9 except for Mom and Theresa. We assumed that most of them probably wouldn't get to meet Nora as I have never been more than a few days early. But Mom and Theresa were planning to stay until Aug 18. And I have never gone past my due date so SURELY they would get to cuddle a sweet new babe.
Nope.
This girl has been a curveball from the start. :)
Aug 13 was my due date. That came and went with no sign of labor in sight. I went to a dr. appt on the 14th and I was dilated 3 cm.
But still...days went by...nothing happened.
Aug 18th we said a sad good bye to Mom and Theresa with still no baby. My mom arrived just a few hours after they left. We went for a nice long walk after she got here and discussed how crazy it was to that I was almost a week overdue. On the FOURTH baby. This is unheard of, no?
On Monday, my doctor called and said she would like me to go in for a non-stress test and ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid levels. My mom went with me for that appointment on Tuedsay, which was fun because she got to see the baby via ultrasound.
The NST came back just fine. Meaning the baby's heartrate was fluctuating normally for the hour that I was hooked up to monitors. The amniotic fluid, however, looked a little bit low, and so they told me that we would be inducing that night.
My mom and I went up to the labor and delivery floor and sat in the waiting room for a sweet forever. Joe was going to meet us there and trade places with my mom. They finally had a triage room ready for me after about an hour (or more?) in the waiting room. Joe and I sat in the triage room for another couple of hours and watched movies while I was hooked up to monitors. Finally, a doctor came in and told me that they may send me home or I may end up staying. And then came back shortly saying Yes, I would definitely stay. Then, came back again a while later saying all the L&D rooms were full and they were short on staff so they were going to send me home after all. I would have my induction the following day. I asked to speak to my dr. on the phone because they had kind of been back and forth on my staying or going home and I wanted to be sure that she was comfortable with this decision. She was and so we finished our dinner and then headed home. I only cried a little.
The next day I slept in a little bit and then we did what any woman about to have a baby would do. We took the boys fishing. :) It was the best, actually. I wanted to do something fun with them that wouldn't make me tired. That was the perfect way to spend the morning.
We had lunch, rested a bit, and then Joe and I headed in to the hospital.
It's weird to go to the hosptial to have a baby when you're not in labor.
Anyway, our check in time was 3:00. The hour of Divine Mercy. (I am sure that was not an accident). So, as soon as we finished all of the registration questions and they started my antibiotic for Group B Strep, we prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet. We prayed for all of you. For the intentions that you asked for, and for so many others. It was a beautiful time of prayer with my husband that I will never forget. Usually when we pray for people while I'm in labor, we kind of discuss who needs our prayers before labor gets too intense and then we pray silently while breathing through contractions. That has been beautiful, too.
But this was really neat because we really got to pray. Hardcore. There were no contractions yet. No nurses in and out yet because we were just waiting a few hours for the antibiotic to kick in before they actually started the induction process.
Back to baby stuff. When we checked in I was dilated to 4. After we prayed we watched TV, had dinner and waited. At 7:30 pm, they tried to break my water. Excpet remember, there was not much fluid left. So that didn't really do anything. At 8:45 they started my pitocin drip.
Pitocin. It is the devil.
I had pitocin with Roman. For 10 hours. It was the worst pain ever. I thought I was dying. So you can imagine that I had a litlte anxiety about this.
Contractions with pitocin and so different for me than natural contractions. Without pitocin, your uterus contracts and then it lets go and you have no pain for the few minutes until your next contraction. With pitocin, your entire torso contracts and then doesn't ever let go. A contraction will end but you still have this aching pain all the way across your lower abdomen that never.lets.go. EVER.
So, I started having consistent contractions by 9:30pm. By 10:15 I needed to be up and walking to get through the contractions and by 10:30 I was really in a lot of pain. A little before 11 the resident doctor came in to check me. (My doctor had gone to lie down). I was at 7cm.
You guys. I was pissed. I turned to Joe, almost in tears, and said "we probably have a couple more hours of this. I don't know if I can do that". I stood at the edge of the bed, feeling hopeless and making him rub my back for a couple more contractions.
This is the part in labor where sweet, beautiful women turn into crazy monsters b-words. Joe always tells me that I'm still nice during labor, but I do remember apologizing to him for something so I must have been getting snappy.
So, 7 cm. I went to the bathroom (Joe wheeling my stupid pitocin IV behind me) and as soon I got in there I turned to him and half said/half shouted "oh, I don't have to pee, I have to push!". I hobbled back over toward the bed and the nurse (who was in the room and heard all of this) said "I'll call the resident dr. back in".
"NO, I said. Call my dr. This baby is coming right now."
I remember Joe telling the nurse "you better hurry". He said there were about 10 people in the room in about 30 seconds.
We had made a playlist of music to listen to during labor. Joe turned it on at some point during transition. I remember hearing a couple of worship songs during labor, but I don't remember specifics.
I usually don't remember much about pushing because HI. There are bigger things to think about. Like the baby coming out of me. But I do remember one of the nurses saying "That's a cool song to be born to" and realizing it was "Let it be" by the Beatles.
I pushed just a few times and Nora Magdalene was born at 11:30 pm, weighing in at 6 lb 11 oz, and 19 in long. She had brown hair and she was as beautiful as we knew she would be. It took her a minute to make a sound and so I started talking to her right away. I think I was less emotional than I have been with the others because I was just waiting to hear her cry. They put her on my chest and we were just in awe.
We had a longer hospital stay than we anticipated, but she is healthy. I'll save that story for another post.
God's plan for bringing babies into the world is crazy. It's amazing and so so crazy. I can never get over it. He is good. And we are so so thankful for our sweet girl.
We got to tell my family in person when we went back to Iowa for Christmas and we told Joe's family via Skype since we weren't going to be making a trip to South Carolina.
We were planning to wait until the second trimester to tell the boys, but one snowy night when we were all cuddled up and reading by the fireplace, Joe just couldn't hold it in any longer. :) Love him.
Roman was VERY excited, per his usual, and Judah and Silas were mildly excited for a brief moment and then they wanted me to finish reading their story.
Although there were a few little things that were different about this pregnancy, we assumed we were having another boy. That's all we knew. All three of my previous pregnancies have had little things that made them each unique, and so we had planned to name this baby Ezra. We didn't actually start calling the baby by that name, but it's the only name we had even considered.
We went to my 20 week ultrasound and after an hour in the room, with a very laid back baby (who was not willing to turn over) I thought maybe we weren't going to get to find out the gender. The ultrasound tech had already moved my chair up and down and had me roll over on each side and given me juice and sent me for a walk just trying to see all of baby's organs. Finally the tech said "well, as soon as I can see the rest of the heart, we will be done."
"ok", I replied. "and do you think we will even be able to see gender today?"
"Well", he said "I think I know, but I want to check again".
Joe and I exchanged glances. "well, we think we know, too", we told him. "We have three boys so we are just assuming this will be another boy"
Then he said "Actually, I think this is looking kind of girly".
Kind of girly. That's not exactly the definitive statement I was looking for. Joe and I looked at each other in disbelief. Not disbelief as in "shock". Disbelief as in "he might be wrong...'Kind of girly' is not super convincing".
The ultrasound tech finished up and said he would send a doctor in to look at a couple of things and we could ask for his second opinion on gender.
When he left the room Joe and I both couldn't stop smiling about the thought of a girl but we kept saying things like "we shouldn't get our hopes up for a girl" or "I don't want to think it's a girl and then have the dr. come in and say 'boy'", etc.
Obviously we would be so excited to have another boy. That's what we had been thinking/"planning on" before we came into this room, but what a tease to even hear the word "girl"!
The dr. came in, checked on the size of baby's stomach (the tech seemed to think it looked a litlte small - it ended up being fine), and then asked if we had any other questions.
We said "Well, if we could get a more definitive statement on gender that would be awesome. The tech was a little hesitant to say for sure".
The dr. scans around and says "Ok, here are two legs and bottom. This is where we would see a penis. But we see these three lines instead. This is a baby girl".
I held in the tears until he was out of the room but then they didn't stop for a couple of hours. We made lots of happy phone calls to people who were just as shocked and thrilled as we were. Fun, fun times.
Thus began my obsession with all things pink and feminine. Hair bows! Ruffly socks! (Don't worry, Joe, I'm sure I'll cool it...around the time she graduates from high school). Occasionally I would think that I had become a bit more calm and collected about all the girl stuff and then I would remember. Baby dolls! Braids! Tea parties! And I would melt all over again.
I LOVE love love being a mom of boys. But, man, I am pretty excited about this girl.
Also, it took me all of about 10 minutes to start on the girl name convo. Joe and I had never agreed on a girl name. We never had to. Of course we had discussed them casually. Joe loved the name Alaina for a long time. I never really had any that I felt were THE ONE.
WELL, Joe's mom told us one day that Joe's aunt (who has three boys) had always wanted to use the name Nora if they ever had a girl. Joe immediately said "I love that name". I agreed that it was a beautiful name but didn't think much more of it. In fact, some of our dear friends have a daughter named Nora, and so I didn't think we would really discuss it seriously.
I kept trying to come up with a unique biblical name since that was the criteria we used for all of our boys. Some of my ideas: Magdalene, Selah, Talitha, Lydia. Joe was not a fan of any of these. In fact, he kept coming back to Nora every time we had this talk. I liked the sound of the name but it's not Biblical and it has become more common in the last couple of years so I kept dismissing it. One day we started talking about using a family name as a first name and a Biblical name as a middle name. (The boys all have family middle names, so maybe for our girl we could flip flop it). I started throwing out some family names. Joe's grandmas are Vivian and Maysie. Both beautiful.. I really like the sound of Maysie. My grandmas are Alma and Beatrice. Not a huge fan of using either of those. But then I offered that my grandma Alma's middle name is Lenore. Joe said "well, we could use Nora as kind of spin off of Lenore to honor your grandma."
Hmmm. I liked the idea, but I was still hanging onto Magdalene as my favorite. (You know Mary Magdalene was at the cross and she was the first to see the resurrected Jesus. In fact, she was the one to announce his resurrection to the rest of the apostles. Kind of awesome).
One night just a few weeks before my due date, Joe asked if I was 100 percent for Magdalene. I said that I loved the name but my only hesitation was that she would probably be called Maggie. Which I wouldn't mind so much if it weren't my mom's dog's name. Ahem.
I asked him if he was still 100 percent for Nora. He responded yes. He had been steadily in support of Nora for months (and had been manipulating the children into calling her Nora). I asked him to explain why he loved it so much. He started getting all sappy about it. No, about her. He said "I just picture this cutest litlte baby girl and her name is Nora. That's just her name. It's how I think of her."
This girl has been so loved by her daddy and her brothers. They are just smitten. And have been since they have known she was a girl. It's so fitting that she be named by them. How could I not want that for her? And so her name was decided that night. Nora Magdalene.
Fast forward a few months and I am getting larger, more tired, and more uncomfortable by the day. That means it's time to have a baby, folks. Except that I didn't.
Joe's famliy arrived on Aug 2 to spend a couple of weeks with us and to meet their first granddaugher. Everyone had to be back home/at work by Aug 9 except for Mom and Theresa. We assumed that most of them probably wouldn't get to meet Nora as I have never been more than a few days early. But Mom and Theresa were planning to stay until Aug 18. And I have never gone past my due date so SURELY they would get to cuddle a sweet new babe.
Nope.
This girl has been a curveball from the start. :)
Aug 13 was my due date. That came and went with no sign of labor in sight. I went to a dr. appt on the 14th and I was dilated 3 cm.
But still...days went by...nothing happened.
Aug 18th we said a sad good bye to Mom and Theresa with still no baby. My mom arrived just a few hours after they left. We went for a nice long walk after she got here and discussed how crazy it was to that I was almost a week overdue. On the FOURTH baby. This is unheard of, no?
On Monday, my doctor called and said she would like me to go in for a non-stress test and ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid levels. My mom went with me for that appointment on Tuedsay, which was fun because she got to see the baby via ultrasound.
The NST came back just fine. Meaning the baby's heartrate was fluctuating normally for the hour that I was hooked up to monitors. The amniotic fluid, however, looked a little bit low, and so they told me that we would be inducing that night.
My mom and I went up to the labor and delivery floor and sat in the waiting room for a sweet forever. Joe was going to meet us there and trade places with my mom. They finally had a triage room ready for me after about an hour (or more?) in the waiting room. Joe and I sat in the triage room for another couple of hours and watched movies while I was hooked up to monitors. Finally, a doctor came in and told me that they may send me home or I may end up staying. And then came back shortly saying Yes, I would definitely stay. Then, came back again a while later saying all the L&D rooms were full and they were short on staff so they were going to send me home after all. I would have my induction the following day. I asked to speak to my dr. on the phone because they had kind of been back and forth on my staying or going home and I wanted to be sure that she was comfortable with this decision. She was and so we finished our dinner and then headed home. I only cried a little.
The next day I slept in a little bit and then we did what any woman about to have a baby would do. We took the boys fishing. :) It was the best, actually. I wanted to do something fun with them that wouldn't make me tired. That was the perfect way to spend the morning.
We had lunch, rested a bit, and then Joe and I headed in to the hospital.
It's weird to go to the hosptial to have a baby when you're not in labor.
Anyway, our check in time was 3:00. The hour of Divine Mercy. (I am sure that was not an accident). So, as soon as we finished all of the registration questions and they started my antibiotic for Group B Strep, we prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet. We prayed for all of you. For the intentions that you asked for, and for so many others. It was a beautiful time of prayer with my husband that I will never forget. Usually when we pray for people while I'm in labor, we kind of discuss who needs our prayers before labor gets too intense and then we pray silently while breathing through contractions. That has been beautiful, too.
But this was really neat because we really got to pray. Hardcore. There were no contractions yet. No nurses in and out yet because we were just waiting a few hours for the antibiotic to kick in before they actually started the induction process.
Back to baby stuff. When we checked in I was dilated to 4. After we prayed we watched TV, had dinner and waited. At 7:30 pm, they tried to break my water. Excpet remember, there was not much fluid left. So that didn't really do anything. At 8:45 they started my pitocin drip.
Pitocin. It is the devil.
I had pitocin with Roman. For 10 hours. It was the worst pain ever. I thought I was dying. So you can imagine that I had a litlte anxiety about this.
Contractions with pitocin and so different for me than natural contractions. Without pitocin, your uterus contracts and then it lets go and you have no pain for the few minutes until your next contraction. With pitocin, your entire torso contracts and then doesn't ever let go. A contraction will end but you still have this aching pain all the way across your lower abdomen that never.lets.go. EVER.
So, I started having consistent contractions by 9:30pm. By 10:15 I needed to be up and walking to get through the contractions and by 10:30 I was really in a lot of pain. A little before 11 the resident doctor came in to check me. (My doctor had gone to lie down). I was at 7cm.
You guys. I was pissed. I turned to Joe, almost in tears, and said "we probably have a couple more hours of this. I don't know if I can do that". I stood at the edge of the bed, feeling hopeless and making him rub my back for a couple more contractions.
This is the part in labor where sweet, beautiful women turn into crazy monsters b-words. Joe always tells me that I'm still nice during labor, but I do remember apologizing to him for something so I must have been getting snappy.
So, 7 cm. I went to the bathroom (Joe wheeling my stupid pitocin IV behind me) and as soon I got in there I turned to him and half said/half shouted "oh, I don't have to pee, I have to push!". I hobbled back over toward the bed and the nurse (who was in the room and heard all of this) said "I'll call the resident dr. back in".
"NO, I said. Call my dr. This baby is coming right now."
I remember Joe telling the nurse "you better hurry". He said there were about 10 people in the room in about 30 seconds.
We had made a playlist of music to listen to during labor. Joe turned it on at some point during transition. I remember hearing a couple of worship songs during labor, but I don't remember specifics.
I usually don't remember much about pushing because HI. There are bigger things to think about. Like the baby coming out of me. But I do remember one of the nurses saying "That's a cool song to be born to" and realizing it was "Let it be" by the Beatles.
I pushed just a few times and Nora Magdalene was born at 11:30 pm, weighing in at 6 lb 11 oz, and 19 in long. She had brown hair and she was as beautiful as we knew she would be. It took her a minute to make a sound and so I started talking to her right away. I think I was less emotional than I have been with the others because I was just waiting to hear her cry. They put her on my chest and we were just in awe.
We had a longer hospital stay than we anticipated, but she is healthy. I'll save that story for another post.
God's plan for bringing babies into the world is crazy. It's amazing and so so crazy. I can never get over it. He is good. And we are so so thankful for our sweet girl.
8.01.2014
An Ode to Joe
Every once in a while, I feel the need to remind you that my husband is awesome.
As a friend put it recently, Joe is a "make it happen" kind of guy. He is the kind of man that sees a need and meets it. No questions asked. No big fuss about it. Most of the time, no one knows about the good that he does. He is a quiet, humble servant, who draws no attention to himself and wouldn't take credit even if someone recognizes his good.
I know I have compared him to St. Joseph many times before, and that remains a very real and accurate comparison.
Recently, we met a girl who was struggling with depression after an abortion. He raised enough money to help her get out of some financial problems AND sent her to a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. I was so proud of the way that he gave of himself and his time and his resources.
Joe is the kind of person who just takes care of people. I obviously love that for me and for our kids, but it's so cool to see him step in and do it for other people.
Let a girl live with us for a few weeks? Sure. Give her rides to find an apartment and a job? No problem.
Help put a friend's child to bed when the parents need a break? Yes.
Host visitor after visitor in our home? Absolutely.
Plan a new marriage ministry? On it.
I just love him. I am so proud of him and I'm so proud to be his wife.
Joe, you are one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. Thanks for showing me His sacrificial love and sharing it with everyone you come in contact with.
As a friend put it recently, Joe is a "make it happen" kind of guy. He is the kind of man that sees a need and meets it. No questions asked. No big fuss about it. Most of the time, no one knows about the good that he does. He is a quiet, humble servant, who draws no attention to himself and wouldn't take credit even if someone recognizes his good.
I know I have compared him to St. Joseph many times before, and that remains a very real and accurate comparison.
Recently, we met a girl who was struggling with depression after an abortion. He raised enough money to help her get out of some financial problems AND sent her to a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. I was so proud of the way that he gave of himself and his time and his resources.
Joe is the kind of person who just takes care of people. I obviously love that for me and for our kids, but it's so cool to see him step in and do it for other people.
Let a girl live with us for a few weeks? Sure. Give her rides to find an apartment and a job? No problem.
Help put a friend's child to bed when the parents need a break? Yes.
Host visitor after visitor in our home? Absolutely.
Plan a new marriage ministry? On it.
I just love him. I am so proud of him and I'm so proud to be his wife.
Joe, you are one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. Thanks for showing me His sacrificial love and sharing it with everyone you come in contact with.
7.31.2014
Awkward.
Let me tell you what's awkward.
It's awkward when people say rude things about the size of your family. This is an awkward conversation whether they are commenting on how big your family is OR how small your family is. I get a lot of the big family comments but I have friends with two children who get just as many of the opposite kind. People, just stop it.
I have three boys and a baby on the way. I am aware that four children is "a lot" to some people. And you know what? That's ok. I do not think that God is calling every family to have lots of children. I think family size should be something to discern with your spouse and with the Author of Life himself.
I have always wanted to have a big family. As long as I can remember. I have one brother (who is the greatest gift my parents ever gave me) and I always wanted more siblings. BUT, that was up to my parents to prayerfully discern.
As soon as I was old enough to babysit, I started telling people that I wanted to have 20 kids when I grew up. At this point I'm thinking maybe not 20, but I will tell you that, to me, (most days!) four kids doesn't seem like a lot.
When people ask me, out of genuine curiosity, "Do you think you'll have more?" I feel like that is a legitimate question and I am not at all offended. I usually say something like "we like to discern that one baby at a time" or "probably, we have always wanted a big family" or "we'll see what God has in store!" or something along those lines. Keep it light and positive because I feel positively about my family.
There are plenty of other examples:
"you've got your hands full"
"you've got lots of helpers"
"you must be busy"
etc, etc,
But, those authentic, mostly polite questions and comments are not what I'm talking about.
I am talking about rude comments. There are just some comments for which I have no good response.
The most recent was probably the worst I have ever heard.
A man said "I see you're expecting another baby?"
me: "Yes! In just a few weeks!"
man: "three boys...do you know if this one is a boy or girl?"
me: "girl!!"
man: "Seems like a good time to stop."
Uh.....
I mean, where do you even start? Maybe it came out differently than he intended? I mean, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt; we've all said stupid things. But this one has been hard for me to get past.
I have had numerous conversations that started the same way and ended with the other person saying "Do you think you'll stop after your girl?" This is still a little bit awkward to navigate but, again, seems more like genuine curiosity. And it's certainly much less offensive than "seems like a good time to stop".
The only thing I could think to say was "Seems like a good time to punch you in the face".
But I decided against that because, well, that's not very charitable.
I kind of half smiled and walked away because, honestly, what else was there to do at that point?
Do you have these awkward conversations? And do you have a good response? Please share.
It's awkward when people say rude things about the size of your family. This is an awkward conversation whether they are commenting on how big your family is OR how small your family is. I get a lot of the big family comments but I have friends with two children who get just as many of the opposite kind. People, just stop it.
I have three boys and a baby on the way. I am aware that four children is "a lot" to some people. And you know what? That's ok. I do not think that God is calling every family to have lots of children. I think family size should be something to discern with your spouse and with the Author of Life himself.
I have always wanted to have a big family. As long as I can remember. I have one brother (who is the greatest gift my parents ever gave me) and I always wanted more siblings. BUT, that was up to my parents to prayerfully discern.
As soon as I was old enough to babysit, I started telling people that I wanted to have 20 kids when I grew up. At this point I'm thinking maybe not 20, but I will tell you that, to me, (most days!) four kids doesn't seem like a lot.
When people ask me, out of genuine curiosity, "Do you think you'll have more?" I feel like that is a legitimate question and I am not at all offended. I usually say something like "we like to discern that one baby at a time" or "probably, we have always wanted a big family" or "we'll see what God has in store!" or something along those lines. Keep it light and positive because I feel positively about my family.
There are plenty of other examples:
"you've got your hands full"
"you've got lots of helpers"
"you must be busy"
etc, etc,
But, those authentic, mostly polite questions and comments are not what I'm talking about.
I am talking about rude comments. There are just some comments for which I have no good response.
The most recent was probably the worst I have ever heard.
A man said "I see you're expecting another baby?"
me: "Yes! In just a few weeks!"
man: "three boys...do you know if this one is a boy or girl?"
me: "girl!!"
man: "Seems like a good time to stop."
Uh.....
I mean, where do you even start? Maybe it came out differently than he intended? I mean, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt; we've all said stupid things. But this one has been hard for me to get past.
I have had numerous conversations that started the same way and ended with the other person saying "Do you think you'll stop after your girl?" This is still a little bit awkward to navigate but, again, seems more like genuine curiosity. And it's certainly much less offensive than "seems like a good time to stop".
The only thing I could think to say was "Seems like a good time to punch you in the face".
But I decided against that because, well, that's not very charitable.
I kind of half smiled and walked away because, honestly, what else was there to do at that point?
Do you have these awkward conversations? And do you have a good response? Please share.
7.26.2014
Insert Creative Title Here
It's now the end of July which means I am, per my usual, long overdue for a blog post. It also means less than three weeks until baby girl. Which is unbelievable to me. Although, my hips are telling me it's almost time. They don't like me sleeping on them all night anymore. They want my back to take a turn again. And the hips don't lie.
We have had a lot of summer visitors so that has been nice. The boys have been enjoying guests and parks and swim lessons and playing in the yard from dawn until dusk.
Roman is still loving his Legos and has recently discovered a passion for fishing. He is also currently obsessed with the Avengers.
A Roman funny:
The other day he found our Catch Phrase game. He wanted to play so I told him to look at the word and describe it to me. He said "Ok, this one is about Mass."
me: "Hmm....prayer?"
R: "no"
me: "priest?"
R: "no. ok, the other one rhymes with erection".
me: laughing hysterically. He has no idea what this word means, or course.
R: "see, Mass Direction. I described it!"
me: "Well, that says "Mass Destruction" but that was a great first try at the game".
Judah recently rediscovered the movie Larry Boy and the Bad Apple. One day he just said "Hey, Mom, remember when I was a baby and I watched Larry Boy? We should watch that one again." Ummmm, ok. So I got it out and now he wants to watch it 30 times a day.
A Judah funny:
Instead of saying "How does that sound?" he says things like this: "We should listen to music. How does that feel, Mom?" Makes me laugh every time.
Silas continues to be 3. He is very distracted all the time making it difficult to sit in a chair or eat during meal time or not climb every person he lays eyes on. He is constantly squirming and silly. He is always trying to get his brothers to laugh at him or wrestle with him.
A Silas funny:
Today I cleaned my room. Because I'm a big girl. Something that I haven't done (well) for probably about a year. I somehow convinced Silas to go on a "treasure hunt" under my bed. You know, to find all therandom socks and wrappers and picture frames that never got hung up treasure. He was a great little helper. And then he walked around for the rest of the day declaring everything he found (think washcloths and broken earrings and bobby pins) "A TREASURE!"
And our sweet girl...
I know that these boys are going to be better men because of her. I know that she is already so very loved. Her room is almost ready and the bassinet is set up and the car seat is in the car. We are a tiny bit excited.
I tested positive for Group B Strep again (I had that with Silas, also, and everything was fine). But would you pray that she stays safe and healthy during and after birth? Thanks so much, my dear friends.
And, as usual, I am taking prayer requests with me as I labor. So, let me know how I can be praying for you. We are all united in our suffering and we are often times closest to the Lord in the midst of it. So, please, send your intentions. It would be an honor to pray for you.
We have had a lot of summer visitors so that has been nice. The boys have been enjoying guests and parks and swim lessons and playing in the yard from dawn until dusk.
Roman is still loving his Legos and has recently discovered a passion for fishing. He is also currently obsessed with the Avengers.
A Roman funny:
The other day he found our Catch Phrase game. He wanted to play so I told him to look at the word and describe it to me. He said "Ok, this one is about Mass."
me: "Hmm....prayer?"
R: "no"
me: "priest?"
R: "no. ok, the other one rhymes with erection".
me: laughing hysterically. He has no idea what this word means, or course.
R: "see, Mass Direction. I described it!"
me: "Well, that says "Mass Destruction" but that was a great first try at the game".
Judah recently rediscovered the movie Larry Boy and the Bad Apple. One day he just said "Hey, Mom, remember when I was a baby and I watched Larry Boy? We should watch that one again." Ummmm, ok. So I got it out and now he wants to watch it 30 times a day.
A Judah funny:
Instead of saying "How does that sound?" he says things like this: "We should listen to music. How does that feel, Mom?" Makes me laugh every time.
Silas continues to be 3. He is very distracted all the time making it difficult to sit in a chair or eat during meal time or not climb every person he lays eyes on. He is constantly squirming and silly. He is always trying to get his brothers to laugh at him or wrestle with him.
A Silas funny:
Today I cleaned my room. Because I'm a big girl. Something that I haven't done (well) for probably about a year. I somehow convinced Silas to go on a "treasure hunt" under my bed. You know, to find all the
And our sweet girl...
I know that these boys are going to be better men because of her. I know that she is already so very loved. Her room is almost ready and the bassinet is set up and the car seat is in the car. We are a tiny bit excited.
I tested positive for Group B Strep again (I had that with Silas, also, and everything was fine). But would you pray that she stays safe and healthy during and after birth? Thanks so much, my dear friends.
And, as usual, I am taking prayer requests with me as I labor. So, let me know how I can be praying for you. We are all united in our suffering and we are often times closest to the Lord in the midst of it. So, please, send your intentions. It would be an honor to pray for you.
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