Father's Day

I used to dread Father's Day.

As many of you know, my dad passed away when I was young. There are countless other people who struggle to get through each Father's Day without their dads, whether it be due to death, divorce, deployment, abandonment, mental illness, miles of separation, or some other extenuating circumstance.

Whatever the case may be, it makes for a tough day. Awkward. Painful. Silent. Lonely.

But, that's actually not what I want to write about. I want to talk about a story of redemption. A story of blessing after years of pain.

You see, I loved my dad so very much and I miss him everyday. But, even in the loss of my father, God always managed to bless me with Godly men in my life...men who cared for me as their own daughter/sister/friend.

I obviously can't list them all here but I have to give a few examples because I don't think I could ever really express how thankful I am to have had them in my life. (I'm going to try to go in chronological order)...

• My grandfathers, Ted and Ralph, for being strong, steadfast, gentle, hard working, loving, and kind.
  
• My uncles: Dan, Tim, Daryl, and Mike for loving my dad and being willing to tell his story or tell me that he would be proud...even when it was very difficult to say.
• My brother, Jim, for acting like a big brother even though you are younger than me! :)
• Jim Ott. He was the pastor at my church camp,and was/is an incredible example of a Godly man. I will never forget the conversation we had one summer about how I was struggling with not having my dad in my life. He told me to go read the book of Joel...what I found was that God plagued the land with locusts, and then repaid them the same number of years with blessings. That brought me so much hope.
  

“I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten.” Joel 2:25

• Very appropriately next: my amazing husband, Joe. I never say enough about him, but he is hardworking, sweet, and the best dad ever. Our boys are so so lucky! He is a thoughtful and helpful husband, he is always willing to serve. He is my hero. Dream come true. :)
  
• Some pretty amazing guy friends: Adam, Ryan, Phil, Jon, Andrew, Dameon, Jeff...the list could really go on and and on...and could include some of their dads - i.e. Mike Babbitt! :) These guys have treated me as their sister, have done so much for our family, have been good friends to my husband, and have shown me a lot about true masculinity.
  
• My brother-in-law, Tony. We like to call him "the creepy man in the basement". :) Yes, he lives with us. He is hilarious, tender hearted, and we will miss him when he moves out...especially Roman and Judah...they so look forward to lunch with him everyday!
  
• My father-in-law, Tony. If you could dream up the best father-in-law ever, you would get Dad. Joe gets his servant's heart from his dad. He is willing to do anything for his family and you will never meet a sweeter man. He has so much character and is the best Grandpa ever. He has always treated me as his own daughter and I will never forget our "father-daughter" dance at our wedding. Cutest ever.
  
• Joe's uncles, for accepting me into the family!
  
• Fr Dennis, Fr Richmond, and all kinds of other priests that have been spiritual fathers in my life!
  

So, basically I am super blessed. I am truly grateful for all the men in my life...the ones on this list, and all of the others who have been so good to me. Love you all.

Fumbling and Frustrated, I Surrender

His fingers fumble with the wrapper.

He has earned a sucker for cleaning his plate and he is so proud. He is grinning, picking at the wrapper, reminding me again, "I ate it all".

He turns it round and round, pulling at the waxy blue paper. His brow is furrowed in concentration. The pulling starts to get more aggressive...

I lean over, my face close to his face.

"Would you like some help?"

"No! I don't want some help"

He is persistent. He starts again...but in vain.

He yells out in frustration this time. No words, just a yell.

I lean over once again, looking into his big blue-gray eyes. I take note of the quivering lip.

"Honey, why don't you let mama help you".

"yes." He seems to feel defeated somehow.

I unwind the wrapper, drop it on the table, and hand him his prize. He perks right back up, satisfied with the reward.

Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried
to my God for help. From his temple he heard
my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.


Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 108:6
Save us and help us with your right hand,
that those you love may be delivered.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold
of your right hand and says to you, Do not
fear; I will help you.

In the Third Year

Dear Roman,
I can't believe you are three already! In the last year we have experienced so much life together and I don't think I will ever be able to tell you how thankful I am for each moment I have spent watching you grow up.

In the last year, you:

• have been such a good big brother
  
• have been the ring bearer in two weddings
• took a lot of trips to the zoo and to the library
  
• were a pirate for Halloween
• made dozens of cookies with me
• survived our first road trip to South Carolina
• aquired a love for dance parties
• have gotten really good at letter recognition and phonics
• are starting to get over your fear of dogs
• have gotten so much taller
• have gotten so much funnier
• have not budged on your picky eating habits!
• have made lots of new friends
• have gotten so good at conversation
• have made me laugh every day
• have brought me joy every day...even on the days when you sat in time out more often than not :)
• have brought tears to my eyes...some in frustration, some because the moment was so bittersweet, some in pride, some in laughter...all in love.
• have changed my life for the better
• have changed a lot of lives for the better
• have challenged my faith by saying some of the most profound things I have ever heard (even from adults).
• have done a lot of other things, but mostly, you have become such a big boy.

...but, tonight...all I can think about is this:

We are so proud of you, Roman.

All my love always,
Mom

The Sacred Heart of Jesus

Today we celebrate the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.


Here is a beautiful excerpt from the homily given on the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart last year by Pope Benedict XVI:

The heart of God burns with compassion! On today’s solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus the Church presents us this mystery for our contemplation: the mystery of the heart of a God who feels compassion and who bestows all his love upon humanity. A mysterious love, which in the texts of the New Testament is revealed to us as God’s boundless and passionate love for mankind. God does not lose heart in the face of ingratitude or rejection by the people he has chosen; rather, with infinite mercy he sends his only-begotten Son into the world to take upon himself the fate of a shattered love, so that by defeating the power of evil and death he could restore to human beings enslaved by sin their dignity as sons and daughters. But this took place at great cost—the only-begotten Son of the Father was sacrificed on the Cross: “Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end” (cf. Jn 13:1).

Three years ago the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus happened to fall on June 15th...which happened to be the day that God blessed us with our first child.

We thought for sure Roman James would be born on the 14th, but God had other plans. After 24 hours of labor, 10 hours of pitcoin, 40-some hours of no sleep, being just 10 minutes into the day of June 15th...

with one last gasp for relief, one last life-giving push

...I shed the final tears of pain and began to shed the many tears of joy.

That day God showed us a tiny fraction of the kind of love that he has for us...the love of a Father who would die for his children, the love hidden within his Sacred Heart.

One year ago today...

getting ready to go to the hospital...but first we had to take a few minutes to play squirt guns with Roman. :)

brand new Judah!

he was wide awake...

...and we were so in love.
Happy first birthday, Judah! It's a bittersweet feeling saying goodbye to your "baby" days, which we treasured, and saying hello to your little boy years...which we are so excited to share with you. We love you so much and you bring us more joy than words could ever say.

She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "This time I will praise the LORD." So she named him Judah
Genesis 29:35

This One's for You...

Well, I don't even know if she reads my blog...but if she does, she'll know this post is for her.

We always end up having these late night chats, she and I. It's usually online. It' usually when I should be sleeping. It's usually something insightful. And she usually doesn't even know it.

She is wise beyond her years.

Tonight I tell her that I have been where she is. I tell her that as I look back on my 25 years, I wish I would have slowed down to enjoy each phase. No, not even necessarily enjoy...because life is hard and messy and frustrating and painful and tragic...and sometimes you just can't find joy. There is a time to weep.

I wish I would have made the effort to find contentment in each stage of my life.

Contentment.

It's hard concept to grasp in a culture that finds little to no value in anything that's not instant and/or self-gratifying.

Contentment.

To me, it's not so much a thing or a feeling... or even a state-of-being.

Contentment has a name: Jesus.

So, what I really should have said to this sweet girl is "I wish I would have looked for Jesus in every stage of my life".

I should have looked for Him in each person I loved and in each person I despised. I would have seen Him in both.

I should have looked for Him in every situation - good and bad. I would have seen that He was waiting to show up and prove His faithfulness.

I should have looked for Him in the laughter and in the tears. I would have seen that God has a plan to bring us hope, and that sometimes devastating things happen anyway. No matter the circumstance, though, He stays the same.

I should have looked for Him in the dark places, where I thought surely He was nowhere to be found. I would have seen that sometimes that's where I can see His face the most clearly.

I should have looked for Him when all was right in the world, when I didn't think I needed Him so much. I would have seen that he is the giver of everything good and perfect; He is the Alpha.

I should have looked for Him when I thought He was disappointed in me. I would have seen that I am His and that nothing can separate us.

Let me make one thing clear. Contentment is not the same thing as ignorance. It doesn't mean that we turn a blind eye to all the suffering in our lives or all the disasters raging around us. It means we accept the pleasure and the pain, the blessings and the trials, for what they are. It means that we rejoice in knowing the One who ordained each moment before there was time.

I should have looked. I would have seen.

1 Tim 6:6-7 But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it

I would have seen Him.

Psalm 119:57, 114 You are my portion, O LORD...You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word

I would have found Contentment Himself.

Philippians 4:12-13 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

R-O-M-A-N

One of Roman's favorite things to do is play with magnets on trays or cookie sheets. He is also getting really good at letter recognition. So, today I sat him down with the magnets and put the letter R on the bottom of the tray and asked if he could find the rest of the letters in his name. I knew that he could verbally spell his name, but I was impressed to see that he could pick the letters out and put them in the right order. Good job, Roman!

The Park with the Boys

Here's a little glimpse into what it is like to take my two to the park:

Today I got the boys loaded into the stroller and announced that we were going for a walk...to the park. Of course Roman was very excited, and Judah wore his usual laid back expression. :)

We started down the street, discussing the trees, birds, sky, cars, etc until we were about a block away from the park. It was then that I heard the sounds...sounds of a bus full of children at the park.

Uh 0h.

I didn't really want to try to keep track of Roman and keep Judah from eating rocks with another 30 kids to distract us. So, we headed in the opposite direction to a different park. It was a longer walk to a park with not as much equipment, but we were all glad to be out and about on such a beautiful day. Roman kept repeating what I had said to him "We'll just go to a different park."

And asking at each new block if the plan was still the same... "We're gonna walk to another park, mommy? We'll just go to a different park."

We discussed our rules for the park as we approached the playground.

I steered the stroller over the bumpy ground, unfastened the buckles, and set them free. (Well, I let Roman run over to the teeter totter, but I put Judah in the baby swing right away. He is happy as a clam for a good half an hour in a swing...just talking away and smiling ear to ear the whole time. He can't quite say "whee", so when I push him he coos "eeee" in a high pitched voice.

Roman keeps running across the park, to the teeter totter, to the swing...and back...and back to the swing. He keeps asking me to give him a "dog under". :)

We run and laugh, and play and sweat. We tickle, talk, and hug.

It is in these moments that I know memories are being made.



(disclaimer: naptime was not so picture perfect...but we'll take what we can get! :))

1000 Gifts (12)

221. Roman kneeling right in the middle of the church aisle, arms raised in adoration
222. sipping on a glass of wine
223. the galloping daddy and laughing boy on his back
224. the words that God speaks in the silence of my heart: "Stop doing my job".
225. the chance to finally return a favor
226. how Judah LOVES dogs
227. how Roman is still a little timid around dogs...but he's getting so much better!
228. beautiful flowers and a sweet Mother's Day note from my boys!
229. graduating seniors that give me hope for the future
230. awesome concerts - i.e. Chasen and Kutless!!
231. when I realized the trials I have faced in life have prepared me to love someone else through the same situation
232. Jeremiah 29:11
233. the way Judah needs to come back to me for a hug every few minutes while we play
234. that God is good. All the time. No matter what else is happening around us, God is good.
235. the freedom to live simply
236. that I get to take Roman to Sesame Street Live!! Thanks, Mom!
237. childbirth - the more I talk about it/experience it/have friends that experience it, the more I LOVE it. It's so miraculous and I love the anticipation and the beauty of the whole experience. Maybe someday I'll be a doula or something. :)
238. Roman and Judah "getting" each other...which really means running around and laughing
239. raindrops sprinkling the windshield...wipers pushing them into one long stream running down the side
240. free shed for our yard

1000 Gifts (11)

201. lessons hard learned
202. the feeling of dough rolling under kneading hands
203. circumstances that remind me how important my job is and how purposefully living each day as a stay-at-home mom is fulfilling exactly what God is calling me to do
204. Intercessors of the Lamb
205. shopping getaway with the girls!
206. cuddles with my boys
207. sleepy eyes
208. trees swaying and bending in the wind...their whispering act of worship
209. a new niece or nephew to love! Congrats Jim and Chelsey!!
210. Roman and Judah in the crib together, erupting in laughter
211. miracles
212. God's perfect timing. Even when we don't see it that way.
213. Fr. Richmond
214. people who are brave enough to embark on a completely new life endeavor
215. sitting on the couch with Roman watching Joe mow the lawn
216. Judah's scrunched up smile and crazy top teeth
217. how Roman still asks me to sing O Come, O Come, Emmanuel every night
218. Watching Judah figure out how to put blocks together
219. sunny afternoons at the park
220. warm summer evenings...just as the sky begins to darken